The Blue Room: Vol. 1 by Kailin Gow Read Free Book Online

it all, made it big. Instead she made that one huge mistake.
              “Having you...” She beams
up at me. “That was my dream. That was worth it. And I wouldn't trade you for
all the stardom, all the fame and fortune, all the success in the world. I got
my dream coming true. Every time I look at you, I'm reminded of that. But I
want you to have it easier than I did, Staci. I want you to have everything. Love and success. A family and a career. And I worry that Hollywood, LA,
that world – it's not the place to get that everything.”
              Maybe she'd rather me to go
to law school, business school, med school. Something safe. Something that
would put me on the track to success.
              But I've always known that
I have to sing. I've always known that my future, my fate, is onstage. It's in
the Atussi blood.
              “Promise me something,” she
whispers, and I know whatever it is, whatever she wants, I'll make that promise
to her.
              “Of course, Mom. Anything.”
              “If you find a man – make
sure he's a good man. Don't settle for anything less. He can be poor, he can be
shy, he can have too-big ears or be a little bit awkward at remembering your
anniversary. But make sure he's a good man. One who treats you right.
And if you can't find one that you like, promise me, honey, you'll take up with
no man at all. Never take up with a man who isn't good – you promise me that?”
          I think of Terrence, again, and I'm almost ashamed of how far I
almost let things go, how stupid I almost let him make me be. I think of him,
and once more my thighs clench together involuntarily in memory of the pleasure
he gave me. I remember screaming his name in my dreams and I blush.
              But I say nothing. I take
my mother into my arms and kiss her, hold her, make her the promise that I’m
also making to myself.
              “I promise, Mom.”
              I mean it.

 
    Chapter
6
     
     
              I don't have too long to stay at my mother's side. My return
ticket was for 5:30, and I know I have to get a good night's sleep at the Blue
Tower if I want to do a halfway decent job at the club tomorrow. Not that I'm
sure whether or not I want to. Doing a good job means that a lot of men will be
clamoring to spend the night with me – and I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet.
              Could I do it? If I
had to. If it was the only way I could keep my cover. My virginity was just a
concept, after all  – sex was just an act, wasn't it? And Rita – I had to find
out what happened to her. If she was even still alive. If she needed my help.
If Rita was in danger somewhere, I'd have to do whatever it took to get her out
safely. And if that meant making men like Angus happy, I guess that's what I'd
have to do.
              The idea still fills me
with revulsion – and anger. What is it about a woman's body that made the most
powerful men – because the powerful were always men, aren't they? – lose all
control like that? What is it about this skin, these bones, this collection of
flesh that I live and breathe in, this part of myself, that men thinks belongs
to them, just because they want to do things to it? Don't I have more to offer
them than my pound of flesh?
              I want to be sick. I don't
doubt what Terrence says – that the Blue Room is one of the most powerful
places in the world. It's where deals are made and broken – over bodies like
mine. Over the backs of women like me. I retch the whole plane ride home,
thinking about it.
              No, I decide. If I'm going
to have sex, it's going to be for me, because I want to, because I love and
trust someone. Not because some rich guy with a hard-on thinks I owe him one
just for existing while male. My mother is right. I'm better off with no man at
all than with a man who treats me like a piece of