The Cowboy Bible and Other Stories
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    It’d be better if you took a bath, I told her. She came out covered in powder. She looked like a giant, overactive French loaf. I’ve always wanted to fuck in my parents’ bed, she said, and then crossed the backyard completely nude, the bottle in one hand and a CD in the other. Oh, this is going to get bad, I thought when I saw the king-size bed. I turned on a porn channel, put on the CD, and undressed. We hadn’t even gotten to the second song when I realized The Western Bible was drunk out of her mind. No, not out of it, but blind drunk.
    Grotesquely erotic, she spread out on the mattress and began to suck me off. My god, she was horrible. She choked. My dick was getting red. Twice I told her to leave it alone. You don’t know what you’re doing, I told her. You don’t know how to suck. But she was determined to show me otherwise and she was hurting me. Hold on, hold on, I finally said. I’m really hot and I want to stick it in you. I screamed, pretending to be on the verge and managing to get away from her teeth. But she didn’t give me a chance to do anything, quickly throwing herself on top of me. Puta madre , that fat girl weighed a ton, she completely pinned me. We began to push and pull, and I thought I would asphyxiate under her mass. It was frustrating. I immediately thought of my wife. Poor woman. She must feel the same thing when I’m on top. It must have taken so much sacrifice and devotion for her to tolerate my corpulence on her rickety little body.
    The Western Bible stopped the pulling and pushing. I love that song, she said and got off the king-size bed to play it again. On her way to the stereo, she staggered, crashed against the dresser, and fell to the floor. I helped her up, and we continued with the penetration. I still had not experienced the divine loving grace of fatness when she again stopped to play the song over. Holy fuck, I shouted. Why don’t you just let it play? Concentrate.
    Well, no, we’ll hear it a third time. And don’t scream at me, pendejo .
    She wanted to climb on me again, but it was useless. I couldn’t take any more. My dick had deflated. We’ll stop here, I said, but she would not give up. She insisted on continuing. And to motivate me, she tried to suck me off again. Listen, puta , I agree that fellatio is an art, but it is not impossible for a mortal to do it decently, I said. Haven’t you ever eaten a popsicle? I asked her. It’s not science. It’s like sucking a Tootsie Pop. She changed tactics and got worse. Stop, stop, I shouted. I know what I’m doing, I know what I’m doing, she said in her defense, and because she was talking with her mouth full, she bit me. She refused to release me. To loosen her grip I slapped her. Then two more times, each time angrier than the other. She got up and hit me. I grabbed her and, with some effort, got her off me. I started to get dressed. She left the room, nude, with the bottle of whiskey in her hand.
    When I got to the door, the fat girl came up to me. Don’t leave, cabrón . You’ve exhausted me, you fucking greaseball. You’re like all the others, you think I’m crazy. You’re like my parents.
    Just what I needed, puta, the venting. I’m leaving, I said again, but I couldn’t open the door. It had a double lock. It needed a key. Give me the fucking key, I screamed. She didn’t want to give it up. Where is it?
    Why don’t you understand? she began pleading. Don’t you understand? She poked my temples with her fingers and kept saying, I’m fine. This is normal, I just get depressed because I used to take drugs.
    Stop, stop, I said. That’s not my fault. The key.
    It’s not my fault I don’t have friends. I’m normal, normal, but everybody wants to drive me crazy. You want to drive me crazy, she barked, and then came at me. I avoided her fist, but she wouldn’t stop, so I finally punched her in the face with a closed fist.
    Now in control and more eloquent, I demanded the key. The Western Bible

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