The Devil’s Guide To Hollywood by Joe Eszterhas Read Free Book Online

that make a hundred million dollars each, you’re audience-attuned. Otherwise, you’re just another dumb schmuck writer.

    You, too, can enjoy their pain .
    P roducer Peter Guber: “As I was to learn and experience in Hollywood, it’s not so much your own success that is relished, but more your friends’ failures.”
    How to make it in Hollywood …
    L egendary light-heavyweight champion Billy Conn: “He was a nice fellow. I hit him in the balls and knocked his ass through the ropes in the thirteenth round. You’re supposed to do everything you can to win. Hit ’em on the break, backhand ’em, do all the rotten stuff to ’em. You’re not an altar boy in there.”
    Studio head L. B. Mayer: “There’s only one way to succeed in this business. Step on those guys. Gouge their eyes out. Trample on them. Kick them in the balls. You’ll be a smash.”

    To Do an Ovitz

    To commit an act of homophobia in public; like agent Michael, who, some said, committed such an act in the pages of Vanity Fair .

    They lie, they cheat, and they steal .
    S tudio executives do not like to deal with honest men,” said screenwriter/novelist Raymond Chandler.
    Hire a good accountant .
    A ccountants,” said screenwriter Dalton Trumbo, “are the most important people in the world.”
    Let your accountant be your rabbi .
    M y accountant said to me, “In Hollywood, you only get ripped off by your friends and the people you trust.”
    Invest wisely .
    A well-known director in his sixties made millions of dollars and invested much of it years ago in a ranch in Wyoming. He visits his ranch three or four times a year but says he doesn’t really like to go there.
    “Every time I’m there,” he says, “I think this is what my career amounted to—millions of dollars of horse shit.”
    Save your money .
    S ugar Ray Robinson, boxing champ, years after his retirement: “Do I still own a flashy Cadillac? No more. The car I drive now is a little red Pinto. But I’ve been there .”
T AKE IT FROM ZSA ZSA
Tips to save money in Hollywood…
Actress and famed Hungarian femme fatale Zsa Zsa Gabor: “When you open a new five-pound can of Beluga caviar and you are not able to eat it all right away, put what’s left over back into the refrigerator, where it will keep for five days, then you will always have nice fresh caviar handy. … Another hint to save you a lot is to never throw away any truffles. If, for instance, you open a can and you don’t use them all in the pheasant Souvaroff or whatever you’re making, don’t throw them in the disposal for garbage, but freeze them and they will be as good like new later .”

    One good way to avoid writer’s block …
    A dvice to legendary producer David O. Selznick from his father: “Spend it all. Give it away. Throw it away. But get rid of it. Live expensively. If you have confidence in yourself, live beyond your means. Then you’ll have to work hard to catch up. That’s the only fun there is: hard work.”

    The Three Cs

    The “Three Cs” are what old-timers say Hollywood was once all about: “cocktails, cards, and cunt. ”

    Schtup Music

    An old producer’s term for romantic music.

    If you make it, you’re going to need an accountant .
    I f you don’t get one, you’re going to spend all your time bookkeeping and worrying about taxes—not writing.
    You have to pick your accountant carefully, because some people have been robbed blind: Allen Funt, the creator of Candid Camera , lost everything he had to an unscrupulous accountant. Your fellow screenwriter Sylvester Stallone lost millions, too, to an accountant.
    But for a set figure each month, based on what you’ve earned, you can get full-scale protection … the kind of protection where you won’t even receive your own bills, since everything will go to the accountant.
    Just make sure you get a weekly cash-flow report, signed by your accountant.
    You, too, can be addled by accountants .
    J im Harrison ( Wolf, Revenge, Legends