The Gruesome Adventures of Alice in Undeadland by Sebastian Gregory Read Free Book Online

air, grinning. It looked from the Queen to Alice and the Knave.
    “Tell me a story, Alice. If it’s a good one, we can place nicely. Perhaps croquet?” the Queen said.
    Alice recalled a story from her childhood that seemed to suit the Queen.
    “Mrs Pork,
    The butcher’s wife,
    Screamed when her children were born,
    Not from birthing midnight to dawn.
    Terrified of the triplets that lay on the bed,
    Each one had a pig face instead of a head.
    The pig children grew in the cellar and played in the dark.
    They spoke to each other through a series of snorts and barks.
    Mrs Pork begged her husband, wailed and cried,
    ‘Put them outside and leave them to die.’
    ‘Are you mad, woman?’ the butcher man said.
    ‘How can you want our precious piglets dead?
    Pig children must be cared for, loved, fed and made fat.’
    Then a feast of child bacon until our bellies we slap.’
    The pig children listened from the cracks in the floor.
    They waited till midnight then slowly crept through the door.
    Mr and Mrs Pork were asleep in their bed,
    Not woken with kisses, but cleavers instead.
    Very next morning the butcher shop was the talk of the town,
    Open for business with free meat by the pound.
    It was the sweetest that anyone had tasted,
    Wrapped in brown paper by the children with pig faces.
    However the town’s folk didn’t run away scared or even run away fleet,
    They simply enjoyed Mr and Mrs Pork,
    As free samples of meat.”
    “Leave us,” the Queen said to the Knave, laughing in delight at Alice’s story.
    The Knave looked so hurt that his face skin nearly fell loose.
    “Are you sure that is wise?” The words left his mouth before his mind could stop them.
    “You dare?” laughed the Queen. “Would you prefer I have you cubed and fed to be undead as excrement until time ends?”
    “No, Majesty, I meant no offence,” babbled the Knave as he backed away and was soon gone.
    Only the guard remained that slowly followed behind.
    “Alice, tell me,” the Queen asked, skipping along, “why did you come here?”
    “When I died, the scraggy white rabbit stole my heart, so I followed it here. I need it, you see. It’s where I keep my parents,” Alice explained.
    “And my Mousehead helped you. That was naughty of me, wasn’t it? Letting Mousehead pretend to be your friend?”
    Alice didn’t reply. She watched the cat bobbing along pulling faces at the Queen.
    “If I give you your heart back, will you give me something?” The Queen smiled the sweetest, most insidious of smiles.
    “What would you need, Your Majesty?” Alice asked tentatively. She was unsure what she had to give.
    The Queen’s smile blackened for a moment before turning innocent again.
    “Come, Alice; let me show you my collection.”

Chapter Fourteen
    The Queen, excited as a child in a magical cave full of sweets, held her balloon string in one hand and Alice’s hand in the other.
    The room held many wooden shelves that held jars of many things. The Queen danced from one to another, while skinless handmaidens working in the palace looked on.
    “Here are my heads. Aren’t they wonderful?” The Queen giggled at the jars and the undead trapped inside.
    “Here are my arms; I like the lady ones best.” They hung like slaughtered meat on hooks.
    “This is where I keep the legs, here are the eyes, and over here are hands. I have lots because I’m the Queen and I can have anything I want.”
    She skipped to a tall stack of shelves.
    “These I like the best.”
    Each jar held a grey and blackened heart. Floating in liquid and refusing to beat.
    “Then why would you need me?” Alice asked.
    The Queen stroked Alice’s chest; she tut-tutted at the damage.
    “Allow me,” the Queen said before beckoning to a maiden.
    With needle and thread the handmaiden moved with an ethereal grace. Almost floating, she took Alice and sat her in a leather doctor’s chair. The handmaiden swished this way and that, her skinless hands a red blur, until she finished