The Housewife Assassin's Killer Christmas Tips by Josie Brown Read Free Book Online Page A

but barely. A side-winding kick puts me back on my ass.
    A sneeze from a parishioner lighting candles has her turning her head, just slightly.
    That’s my chance. I roll over, grab the thumb drive, jump up, and fly out the door.
    Two blocks later, I’ve ducked into a barbershop. I watch from behind an old copy of Penthouse as she runs by the window, angry and frantic.
    The barber doesn’t even look up from the head beneath his shears as he asks, “Shave and a haircut?”
    I pull up the habit and hold out my legs. Stubble does not become me. Jeez, how long has it been?
    “Yeah, a shave sounds nice,” I say. “But I’ll skip the cut.”
    Hearing my voice, the barber does a double-take. Still, he shrugs. “Whatever you say, Sis.”

Chapter 6
    Secret Santa Etiquette 
     
    When playing Secret Santa, there are a few unspoken rules that gentlefolk follow.
    The first is never to grimace should you draw a name you don’t like. Instead, squeal with delight, maybe even give a clap or a bounce, to prove the gift is worth what they are to receive, even if you’re planning on re-gifting something you got last year from some cheapskate.
    (Remember: your recipient is watching, and will remember any frown. So will the person drawing your name, and you want to set a good example.)
    Secondly, stay within the price set for the gifts. Obviously, prior to the drawing, you can lobby for a higher price point, especially if you’ve got your heart set on something sporting a designer label.
    Seeking out the person who drew your name is uncouth. However, should you happen to run across the piece of paper with your name on it in anyone’s wastebasket, wallet, or purse—no harm, no foul.
    And finally, should the gift you receive be a disappointment, smile graciously through your pain or embarrassment.
    Payback comes later. In a dark alley. With a crowbar.
     

     
    The files on the thumbnail drive have turned Acme’s offices into a beehive of activity. Our operatives are working in teams, matching the Catholic rebels’ fully itemized munitions list to any intel regarding sales to rogue nations since Tripoli’s fall.
    Besides sixty-five anti-aircraft missiles, three Russian T-55 tanks, and nineteen SA-24 Grinch surface-to-air missile launchers, the cache also included tens of thousands of small arms, and thousands of anti-vehicle mines, tank shells, and mortars.
    The thumb drive also holds a video file. Allegra’s husband covertly taped the munitions-for-cash exchange, with two men and a woman. The image is grainy, but one is tall and Western looking. The other man looks to be of Middle Eastern descent.
    “Arnie, isolate the unknown suspect’s face as best as you can. When you have the cleanest digital image possible, lateral it to Emma so that she can run it through Interpol’s Universal Face Workstation.”
    Arnie nods. With a few clicks of his mouse, Emma has what she needs.
    As for the male Quorum operative, I recognize him immediately:
    He’s my soon-to-be ex-husband, Carl.
    Jack recognizes him, too. I can tell because his hands tighten into fists before he crosses his arms at his chest.
    He glances over at me in time to see my eyes glaze over with tears. When our gazes cross, it’s me who turns away first. I can’t stand the look in his eyes. He presumes my tears mean I still care.
    Well, he’s wrong. I’m crying for my children. I pray the day never comes when they learn the truth.
    Their biological father is a traitor and a monster.
    The other suspect is positioned in such a way that his face is hidden in shadow.
    As for the woman, all we’ve got is a partial image. Who is she? We know for a fact that Allegra wasn’t at the exchange. By simply handing off the thumb drive to her priest, she paid with her life on a later day.
    Finally, the woman shifts slightly to her right, pulling her face out of the shadows. Her head turns directly to the camera, if only for a split second, before she steps back into