The Man With Two Left Feet by P. G. Wodehouse Read Free Book Online

boy.
    'Joe!'
    'Julie!'
    'Dear old Joe! Fancy meeting you again!'
    'Wherever have you come from, Julie?'
    Well, I didn't know what it was all about, but I felt a bit out of it. I butted in:
    'Aunt Julia wants to have a talk with you, Mr Danby.'
    'I knew you in a second, Joe!'
    'It's twenty–five years since I saw you, kid, and you don't look a day older.'
    'Oh, Joe! I'm an old woman!'
    'What are you doing over here? I suppose'—old Danby's cheerfulness waned a trifle—'I suppose your husband is with you?'
    'My husband died a long, long while ago, Joe.'
    Old Danby shook his head.
    'You never ought to have married out of the profession, Julie. I'm not saying a word against the late—I can't remember his name; never could—but you shouldn't have done it, an artist like you. Shall I ever forget the way you used to knock them with "Rumpty–tiddley–umpty–ay"?'
    'Ah! how wonderful you were in that act, Joe.' Aunt Julia sighed. 'Do you remember the back–fall you used to do down the steps? I always have said that you did the best back–fall in the profession.'
    'I couldn't do it now!'
    'Do you remember how we put it across at the Canterbury, Joe? Think of it! The Canterbury's a moving–picture house now, and the old Mogul runs French revues.'
    'I'm glad I'm not there to see them.'
    'Joe, tell me, why did you leave England?'
    'Well, I—I wanted a change. No I'll tell you the truth, kid. I wanted you, Julie. You went off and married that—whatever that stage–door johnny's name was—and it broke me all up.'
    Aunt Julia was staring at him. She is what they call a well–preserved woman. It's easy to see that, twenty–five years ago, she must have been something quite extraordinary to look at. Even now she's almost beautiful. She has very large brown eyes, a mass of soft grey hair, and the complexion of a girl of seventeen.
    'Joe, you aren't going to tell me you were fond of me yourself!'
    'Of course I was fond of you. Why did I let you have all the fat in "Fun in a Tea–Shop"? Why did I hang about upstage while you sang "Rumpty–tiddley–umpty–ay"? Do you remember my giving you a bag of buns when we were on the road at Bristol?'
    'Yes, but—'
    'Do you remember my giving you the ham sandwiches at Portsmouth?'
    'Joe!'
    'Do you remember my giving you a seed–cake at Birmingham? What did you think all that meant, if not that I loved you? Why, I was working up by degrees to telling you straight out when you suddenly went off and married that cane–sucking dude. That's why I wouldn't let my daughter marry this young chap, Wilson, unless he went into the profession. She's an artist—'
    'She certainly is, Joe.'
    'You've seen her? Where?'
    'At the Auditorium just now. But, Joe, you mustn't stand in the way of her marrying the man she's in love with. He's an artist, too.'
    'In the small time.'
    'You were in the small time once, Joe. You mustn't look down on him because he's a beginner. I know you feel that your daughter is marrying beneath her, but—'
    'How on earth do you know anything about young Wilson?
    'He's my son.'
    'Your son?'
    'Yes, Joe. And I've just been watching him work. Oh, Joe, you can't think how proud I was of him! He's got it in him. It's fate. He's my son and he's in the profession! Joe, you don't know what I've been through for his sake. They made a lady of me. I never worked so hard in my life as I did to become a real lady. They kept telling me I had got to put it across, no matter what it cost, so that he wouldn't be ashamed of me. The study was something terrible. I had to watch myself every minute for years, and I never knew when I might fluff my lines or fall down on some bit of business. But I did it, because I didn't want him to be ashamed of me, though all the time I was just aching to be back where I belonged.'
    Old Danby made a jump at her, and took her by the shoulders.
    'Come back where you belong, Julie!' he cried. 'Your husband's dead, your son's a pro. Come back! It's twenty–five