The Panopticon by Jenni Fagan Read Free Book Online Page A

like a fucking locust (two-parts insect), it’s in his legs. It’s in the exposed knots of vertebrae along his neck. He should put a top on, his tummy is fucking concave. He soaks a wee ball of cotton wool and looks up at me.
    ‘D’ye want some?’
    ‘No,’ I say, but I dinnae think he hears me.
    He’s boring as fuck. Heroin makes people like that, ay, it’s dull as shit – so’s crack, the whole thing’s lame, there’s nothing there tae learn. It isnae like psychedelics. Every time I take a trip I return tae a world that waits for me. Trips are just the ticket in. Lately, the experiment have began to follow me through, I’ll have to stop soon.
    Roo gestures at the bag of Es on the windowsill. I pick it up and turn it over. All the wee pills have a stamp on the front. Bonus. I take one and continue tae stomp the floor.
    ‘No, that’s all wrong!’
    He’s looking up at me, he drops his spoon. It’s empty now anyway. His gear’s in the needle.
    ‘Noh, really, noh, I’m sorry, it’s not your fault; noh, dinnae get upset now, just wait a minute,’ he says.
    He’s tightening the elastic around his arm, takes his shot, then he’s away. I’ll take the bag when he wakes, or I could leave him a note … Taken bag … but I just feel like dancing.
    The man nods and I powwow-wow, and Chief taps out a beat. A while later insect-oid-us-smack-a-dick-tus comes to again. I keep doing my powwow-wow and Chief is beginning tae get freaked out. Mr Locust puts his lighter down.
    ‘You are unbelievably fuckable,’ he says.
    ‘Really?’
    ‘Really. You’re so fucking … wasted, look at you! I think I love you.’
    ‘D’ye know what I love?’
    ‘What?’
    ‘The clouds, and the stars, and the grass – it sounds silly, ay. But I do. I fucking love them.’
    I do, I love them, I love this feeling. He pads out of the room, then he comes back in and holds out a jellyfish. No, it’s not a jellyfish, it’s a bikini with polka-dots on it.
    ‘Try this.’
    ‘I dinnae like polka-dots.’
    ‘Aye, but there’s a cool skull and crossbones, right there,’ he says.
    There is as well, just there, a skull and crossbones right on the arse. Just a wee one. It’s cute. I change in the kitchen and start my dance again in bare feet.
    ‘That’s better!’ He grins.
    ‘Tell Chief tae stop watching.’
    ‘He’s not watching, honest. Best keep at it, though!’ he says solemnly and so I do.
    He goes in the kitchen at one point and grabs my shoes. He opens the window and lobs them out, then he throws away my shorts, my vest. Chief edges away from him. Powwow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow. A clock on the wall spins time, and in the other world an ice-cream van tinkles and children shout and the sun is clearly furious, but we dinnae pay it any attention.
    Roo takes his cock out, it’s got red marks, all up and down it. He puts a needle down and swoons.
    The windows are so bare. There’s a high-rise across the way and there’s three down the hill and they all point at the sky. Look at that ice-cream van – seventeen floors below, d’ye think they can see me from down there? Me. Up here. Arms raised, doing an Indian war cry. Whoop, whoop, whoop!
    He won’t wake, I kick him, but he doesnae move.
    Me and Chief stare each other out, we circle around slowly in the age-old voodoo way, and when I get to the door for the fifteenth time I escape. The hallway’s dark and smells like pish. Pick a door. Any door. Bathroom, okay.
    Pull the light, there’s no knob on the end of the string, just a knot someone tied. Dirty knot, dirty string.
    Must find fire.
    I kneel down on the dirty lino, and it’s sticky, so I shove a damp towel under my legs. Must find fire. Quick. Must find fire, must find fire. Find fire. Fire, fire, fire. The word sounds weird, how weird does it sound? Shit! My reflection is in a round cracked mirror by the toilet. Stiff nipples, dirty skin, strange neck, see-through veins. There is a largebruise on my thigh and thunder in