The Spook Who Spoke Again: A Flavia Albia Short Story by Lindsey Davis Read Free Book Online Page A

a deep, powerful voice that was lovely to listen to, even though his conversation was crude. ‘You get the usual comedy banalities. Innocent, slightly dim adolescent is passionately in love with a gorgeous girl in a brothel –’ I glanced at Faustus who smiled at me. ‘I can’t remember offhand whether loverboy’s dad is a soft touch or a scheming miser, but he’s lost at sea, until he turns up alive and well. The mother’s a harridan in a fright wig. Always gets laughs. A ghost pops up to put the mockers on everything, everyone pairs off and we have a sing-song with a folk dance to send the audience home in good spirits.’
    ‘Any extras?’ asked Faustus. He seemed to know what to ask. I wondered how you learn to be an aedile. Perhaps there was an instruction book.
    ‘As many as you can take. A young woman – well, she’s got five children and isn’t as young as she looks – plays the water organ. That usually follows on its own, because getting the organ on stage is a palaver. If Thalia’s still got her donkey who does tricks, we’ll write him in for extra light relief.’
    ‘The crowd generally likes “business”?’
    ‘Absolutely – if Ned’s dead, the lads can mess about with a rope. We once tried to use Jason as the rope – you know, he starts stiff, the rope wrestlers don’t notice what they’ve picked up, suddenly they get a big surprise that it’s a live snake, so they run off screaming while the audience hysterically wets itself – sadly, the scaly bugger was too unpredictable on stage.’
    ‘Hmm,’ commented Faustus, who now knew from me that Jason was a murderer of ferrets. ‘Is this python dangerous? I have a remit to deal with marauding wild animals.’
    ‘Oh Thalia has him under control. She loves the thing. Owned him for years without incident.’ Davos continued talking about the acts, in ignorance that the question was asked for my investigation. ‘Originally old Falco wrote in a pair of stand-up clowns who commentated –’
    ‘Clever cook and boasting soldier?’ asked Faustus, raising an eyebrow. He looked tired.
    ‘Got it in two! You may be glad to hear we have Congrio, who is all the rage. Very big star. I’m lucky to employ him. You must have heard of Congrio.’
    ‘A barber, a fisherman and an intellectual went into a bar …?’ suggested Faustus.
    Davos winced. ‘Hilarious, trust me. It’s the way he tells them.’
    ‘Hmm,’ said Faustus again, making a short note on his tablet.
    ‘Would you like to hear him do his set about the man from Kyme?’
    ‘Too Greek. Make it a place that people in Rome may have heard of, Davos.’
    Davos waved up the comedian who was a thin ugly person with bandy legs, very sure of himself. After a huddled discussion, Congrio announced grumpily, ‘Ditch Kyme then. For you, legate, it shall be the man from Ostia.’
    ‘Thanks,’ answered Faustus instantly. ‘I come from there.’
    ‘Shit!’ muttered Davos. ‘Quick! Think up another town, Congrio, for god’s sake! Any damned town, so long as it’s not famous for libel lawyers …’
    ‘Ostia is fine,’ Faustus soothed him. ‘I was having you on. I grew up at Fidenae.’
    ‘Too many comedians here!’ Davos commented, pretending to be hard done by. I could see that insulting a magistrate didn’t really bother him. This was like Falco, so if Davos was my real father, I would know what to expect.
    Davos saw me looking at him again, so gave me another suspicious frown. Faustus saw that. ‘Davos, this is Marcus Didius Falco’s adopted son.’
    Davos groaned. ‘Oh, you’re Thalia’s unexpected little bundle, are you!’
    He didn’t seem pleased. I told him in a stiff voice, ‘I am Marcus Didius Alexander Postumus.’
    ‘Very nice!’ Davos didn’t sound as if he believed that. He wasn’t interested in me either, and went off to organise a rehearsal of
The Spook Who Spoke
for the aedile.
    I took the chance to ask Faustus an important question. If Davos and Thalia