The Stainless Steel Rat eBook Collection by Harry Harrison Read Free Book Online Page B

cerebellum. The street outside was beginning to fill up with shoppers and I thought that might be a good idea for me as well. All the rations I had here were either frozen or packaged, and after the sludgy prison food I felt that urge for things that crackled and crunched. I opened the makeup cabinet and began to prepare my public persona.

    Adults don’t realise – or remember – how hard it is to be a teenager. They forget that this is the halfway house of maturity. The untroubled joys of childhood are behind one, the mature satisfactions of adulthood are still ahead. Aside from the rush of blood to the head, as well as other places, when thoughts of the opposite sex intrude, there are real difficulties. The hapless teenager is expectedto act like an adult – yet has none of the privileges of that exalted state. For my part I had escaped the tedious tyranny of teendom by skipping over it completely. When not lolling about in school or trading lies with my age group, I became an adult. Since I was far more intelligent than most of them – or at least I thought that I was – adults that is, I had only to assume the physical role.
    First an application of crowsfooter around my eyes and on my forehead. As soon as this colourless liquid was applied wrinkles appeared and the calendar of my age rushed forward a number of years. A few wattles under my chin blended in well with the wrinkles, while the final touch was a nasty little moustache.When I pulled on my shapeless, under-office-clerk jacket, my own mother would not haverecognised me if she had passed me in the street. In fact this had happened about a year ago and I had asked her the time and even then no spark of recognition had brought a glint to her bovine eyes. Taking an umbrella from the closet, since there was absolutely no possibility of rain, I stepped from the office and proceeded to the nearest shopping mall.
    I must say, my subconscious was reallyworking fast this day, as I shortly found out. Even after all the beers I still had a thirst. That dry stay in the barn had left its mark. Therefore I turned smartly under the platinum arches of Macswineys and marched up to the serving robot that was built into the counter. The plastic head had a permanent grin painted on it and the voice was syrupy and sexy.
    ‘How can I be of service, sir ormadam?’ They could have spent a few bucks on a sex-recognition program I thought as I scanned the list of TUM-CHILLER YUMMY DRINKS on the wall.
    ‘Let me have a double-cherry oozer with lots of ice.’
    ‘On the way, sir or madam. That will be three bucks, if you please.’
    I dropped the coins in the hopper and the serving hatch flipped open and my drink appeared. While I reached for it I had to listento a robotic sales pitch.
    ‘Macswineys is happy to serve you today. With the drink of your choice I am sure you would like a barbecued porcuswineburger with yummy top-secret sauce garnished with sugarfried spamyams …’
    The voice faded away from my attention as my subconscious heaved up the answer to my little problem. A really simple and obvious answer that was transparent in its clarity, pristinepure and simple …
    ‘Come on, buster. Order or split, you can’t stand there all day.’
    The voice gravelled in my ear and I muttered some excuse and shuffled off to the nearest booth and dropped into it. I knew now what had to be done.
    Simply stand the problem on its head. Instead of me looking for The Bishop I would have to make him look for me.
    I drank my drink until my sinuses hurt, staringunseeingly into space as the pieces of the plan clicked into place. There was absolutely no chance of my finding The Bishop on my own – it would be foolish to even waste my time trying. So what I hadto do was commit a crime so outrageous and munificent that it would be on all the news channels right around the planet. It had to be so exotic that not a person alive with the ability to read – orwith a single finger left to punch