The Tumours Made Me Interesting by Matthew Revert Read Free Book Online

not a particularly sensible way to enter a domicile”
    “Accident,” I wheezed. “Very… sorry… to have… disturbed you…”
    “Rhonda!” yelled Vince. “We got ourselves a situation here. We’re gonna need bandages and some Vaseline.”

    My eyes fluttered open with the speed of hummingbird wings. Vince and Rhonda had their faces uncomfortably close to my own. I was wrapped in a blanket and contorted on their couch, which was far too small to accommodate a full-grown man at full stretch.
    “Two questions,” said Vince while holding up three fingers.
    I gave a slight nod.
    “Why are you naked and why did you break the wall? We’re not angry, mind. We’re just intrigued. This isn’t something one expects to experience on any given day.”
    “Umm…”
    I was a mess of verbal stasis. Sub primal sounds escaped my mouth that couldn’t be attributed to any language.
    “Oh, leave him alone, Vince,” said Rhonda. “We’re terribly sorry about the little cancer situation.”
    I stared hard at the two of them. It was only now that I noticed the leather bondage gear they were wearing. In my opinion, they were both a little too overweight to pull it off. Rhonda was perhaps the shortest woman I had ever seen and Vince was quite possibly the tallest. The extremity of their physical opposition somehow made them a perfect couple in my eyes. Like most of my neighbours, I hadn’t talked to the Stotson’s much. Occasionally I’d bump into Vince during a rooftop walk and we’d discuss the weather or something equally as superficial. Truth be told, I quite liked these people. If I were a more socially apt person, I’d have no problem envisioning a friendship between us. Although, it seemed reasonable to suspect that my positive feelings toward the Stotson’s had more to do with their propensity toward leaving me alone than anything else. Right now though, I was dumbfounded that they somehow knew of my cancer.
    “How did you know?” I asked.
    “It was on the news,” replied Rhonda.
    “The news?”
    Vince started to chuckle. “Yes, it’s a new preventative measure apparently. They figure that they’ll publicly shame the cancer. The logic goes that if the news networks spend ten minutes each night naming cancer sufferers, the cancer will feel so ashamed and embarrassed that it will cease attacking people such as your good self. There was some massive write-up about it in yesterday’s paper. The results of a trial were published and even I, cynical as I am, had to admit that the findings were very convincing. They chose five volunteers, all of whom were definitely not suffering from cancer and for three weeks they were subjected to a barrage of reports about new cancer diagnoses. Guess what? At the end of the three weeks, only two of them had developed cancer. That’s less than half!”
    “Your cancer was mentioned right toward the start,” interjected Rhonda. “Vince and I were aghast at the horrible news. At the same time, we couldn’t help feeling a bit star struck. And to attack your backside like that! Nasty. Simply nasty.”
    I was immediately infuriated. I didn’t give those fucks permission to publicly broadcast my illness. Whatever happened to patient confidentiality? How many people now knew? The indignity of it all stole my breath. Then it hit me like an abusive father – what if my mother had been watching? Since confirmation of the cancer, I hadn’t even contemplated how I was going to tell her. She was the only person who would actually care. My mother was someone who, without any shadow of doubt, loved me and cared about my wellbeing. The news would be crushing and the thought of her finding out via the repulsive, fake smiles of plastic news presenters enraged me. The throbbing pain in my golf club-beaten chest dissipated, the hangover fog whistled out of my ears. I was lucid – perhaps for the first time in weeks. It was enough to deal with the cancer but to have to deal with this shit