The Wall by H. G. Adler Read Free Book Online Page B

distant train, it was that deadening. All that could be heard was the soft fluttering of the ventilator fan. Although that was not too bothersome, it got on my nerves, for it continued on so monotonously.
    What I had had on me or in my pockets had not been taken away, nor had I even been robbed of my watch. There then arose in me the urgent need to find out the time. I had always been one to keep an eye on the time, but never before had I wished so hard to follow its secret unfolding. I was pleased to be able to take my watch out of my pocket, but I couldn’t hear any ticking. I held it up to my ear, but there was no sound. No doubt it had broken when I was shoved into the cell. I couldn’t feel anything wrong with it on the outside, but I wanted to figure out what was broken as best I could, and so I tried to get the light to work once again. When I reached for the wire, I discovered that there was something the matter with it, for I got an electric shock, which, because of the damp, was so strong that it caused me to sit up. I hit my head hard on the ceiling and was dazed, almost falling unconscious, as I sank back down.
    I had no idea how long this woozy state lasted, but it seemed to go on for an endless stretch of time. Everything I knew was reduced to nothing; my memory was so worthless that I no longer even knew why I had been placed in custody. I couldn’t account for the reason I was there. Fearful thoughts of being buried alive disrupted my sleep, and I never expected to see the light of day again. Deep pain bored into the hand that had suffered the shock. Certainly I had gotten a nasty burn that, if not cared for, would soon become infected amid all this filth. Perhaps the hand was lost, even if I was rescued. Indeed, there seemed little cause for hope, as, more than likely,I would only be subjected to new and worse treatment, if not altogether abandoned here to languish in the dark.
    Then I decided to change entirely; I wanted to be transformed, to stop being who I was. And yet such a total transformation was not in itself enough: I no longer wanted to be a human being. All consciousness had to disappear. For it was not enough that such a transformation should turn me into something other than a human being if that meant I still felt like a person who was full of memories of suffering that he could not bear.
    I rocked back and forth inside my cage, banged against its walls, and became smaller and smaller as a result. I felt a buried strength within me, then I began to dig with my hands. The ground gave way and I touched small clumps of earth, but I could feel that they were breaking up and so I pressed on. It was dirty and tiresome work, but my limbs grew stronger the more I tried, my forehead and my mouth, especially, taking on incredible force. It eventually became clear that I had struck some small stones and roots, impediments that threatened to halt my progress. Yet my focus remained unshaken. By pummeling, scratching, twisting, and biting, I pushed through the mass in front of me and broke it into bits, so that I slowly, yet steadily dug on. As a result, I did not so much move forward as find that I was able to stand taller. It was the urge to stand up and possibly reach the light that spurred me on. I became ever thinner and more pliant, like a badger or a mole, but much more flexible. I had turned into a caterpillar.
    At the moment I realized that I had turned into a caterpillar completely, I pushed hard through the dense gravel and was greeted by an unexpected shaft of daylight, which blinded me. Because of the glaring light, I pressed my eyelids together. Exhausted, I sank down. Then I blinked as I ventured to look around, though only for a few moments, because it hurt to do so. I then regretted renouncing all human feelings, though of course I knew that my crazy urge had not been fulfilled. I realized that one would rather die than forsake the roots of his human existence. I had not forsaken my human