The Woman I Wanted to Be by Diane von Furstenberg Read Free Book Online

Sometimes, in a big crowd, even at parties that I host, I find myself disappearing for a few minutes to be alone. I used to feel sad and out of place in those moments, lonely and disconnected. I don’t anymore. I use these moments to reconnect with myself and build my strength.
    E qually soothing and crucial is my love and need for nature. Nothing is more nourishing than seeing the day appear from the night, the strength of the waves, the majesty of the trees. Walking in the woods, being lost in nature reminds me of how small we are in the universe and somehow that reassures me. I remember one day walking in the country with my then very small son, Alexandre. I was lost in thought and when he inquired what those thoughts were, I responded, “I wonder what will happen to us.” Very wisely little Alexandre answered, “I know what will happen, Mommy. Spring will come and the leaves will cover the trees again, then it will be summer, then autumn and the leaves will change color and fall. Winter and snow will follow.” I smiled and took his hand. “Of course that is what will happen,” I answered. I never forgot that moment.
    L ove is life is love and like most mothers, my strongest love has always been for my children. I’ll never forget the intense rush I felt the first time I saw Alexandre. Not only was he my firstborn, I felt as if I already knew him. I had had many long conversations with him before he was born and I have always felt he was my partner as much as my son.
    Alexandre was also the answer to my dream as a young girl—to have a little American son when I grew up. As a European girl, I always thought American boys were cooler, more casual and more boyish. Boys in Europe seemed serious and sometimes even repressed and I loved that American boys, who watched football and played sports endlessly, were not. Anyway, I got exactly what I wanted: a real little American boy, though he carries Egon’s title of “prince.” However, as I’ve watched the grown Alexandre raise his own American boys, I’ve realized that I failed him at least in one thing—I did not pay enough attention to his athletic life and seldom went to his games when he was growing up. I was never the Soccer Mom he secretly wished for.
    In many respects I didn’t know what I was doing when he was a baby, because, like any young mother, I had no experience. I was a little intimidated and relied heavily on our Italian nanny until I happened upon her handling Alexandre roughly in the bath—and fired her. From then on, no longer intimidated, I followed my common sense.
    Beautiful, mischievous Princess Tatiana Desiree von und zu Furstenberg followed her brother thirteen months later. She was something else. I said from the beginning that she was the drop of oil you put into egg yolks and mustard to make mayonnaise happen. She was the magic that turned we three into a real family. When Tatiana was born, it wasn’t Egon and me having a child, it was Egon, Alexandre, and me becoming a full family. And though the marriage didn’t last, we remained a family forever.
    I have great empathy with working mothers and the tug of war they feel, as I did, between staying with my children and going off to work. It never occurred to me to give up my growing business because I insisted on paying all my bills and took no money from Egon when we separated, but it was always wrenching to walk out the door. Once outside, however, I felt free, energized, and focused on making a good life for all of us. And it quickly came true all because of that little wrap dress.
    With the first money I earned, I bought Cloudwalk, an astonishingly beautiful property in Connecticut for my twenty-seventh birthday so we could spend relaxed time together in a setting where we could also feel free. And we did. I spent much time there with the children and their school friends, cooking for them and often transporting one of them to the emergency room to see if a cut needed stitches or