The World's Biggest Bogey by Steve Hartley Read Free Book Online Page A

their honour, on a signal from
their captain Hayden Blow, the whole team broke wind simultaneously in front of King Taufa–ahau Tupou IV.
    The team broke the Trump Decibel world record, but offended the king and his people so much that they were
asked to leave Tonga and never return.
    I hope you put your fingers in your ears when you trumped. 119.9 decibels is about as loud as a jet aircraft taking off, but I don’t
suppose I need to tell you that!
    I’m really sorry you’re not better yet, Danny, but don’t give up hope, there is always a cure. As your new friend
Alex discovered with your monster trump, the trick is just to find it.
    Best wishes
    Eric Bibby
    Keeper of the Records
     
    Danny stood with Mum, Dad and Matthew outside the Big Hall at the University of Walchester. The room was packed with hundreds of Brain Boffins from all over the world, all
there to examine Danny and Matthew.
    Dad ruffled Danny’s hair.

    ‘How do you feel, Dan?’
    ‘GB.’
    Mum put her arm around Danny’s shoulders.
    ‘Are you sure? You seem a bit fed up to me.’
    Danny shrugged. The clock is full of wobbles and custard, Beans,’ he explained. The cat can smile for ants and a spoon can ring its socks.’
    Mum looked at Matthew.
    ‘I don’t want to baffle doctors any more, Mum,’ Matthew translated. ‘It was fun for a while, but now I want to be normal again.’

    Inside the hall, Danny heard Professor Walkinshaw announce to the hundreds of assembled Brain Boffins, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the most baffling case I have ever seen: Danny
Baker and his best friend Matthew Mason.’
    For the next hour Danny and Matthew told their story and answered questions in their uniquely baffling way. At the end of the session the boys walked off the stage to deafening cheers and
clapping.
    Mum gave Danny a hug.
    Dad shook Matthew’s hand.
    ‘Well done, both of you,’ said Dad.
    ‘It’s a bookworm, Toast,’ sighed Danny. ‘Do dancing spots worry a dinosaur’s boots? Because the cows on bicycles have tea-bag toes.’
    Matthew frowned and translated, ‘I’m a bit fed up, Dad. Do you think I’ll ever be able to speak normally again? All I can look forward to are loads more tests.’
    Mum knelt down and looked at Danny. She was smiling.
    ‘There is something else to look forward to,’ she said. ‘I’ve got some news that will cheer you up.’
    ‘Turnip?’ asked Danny.
    ‘What?’ asked Matthew.
    ‘I’m going to have a baby,’ Mum said.
    Danny’s jaw dropped. He felt as though his breath had got stuck in his chest. He couldn’t get air in or out. He made several choking sounds.

    ‘Danny . . . ?’ said Mum anxiously.
    Danny tried with all his might to force the air out of his throat. It burst out in a rush of words.
    ‘Whatdoyoumeanyouaregoingtohaveababy?’ he blurted.
    ‘What do you mean, you are going to have a baby?’ Matthew translated.
    ‘What?’ asked Dad.
    ‘What?’ asked Mum.
    ‘He said, “What do you mean, you are going to have a baby?”’ repeated Matthew.
    ‘I know that’s what he said!’ shouted Mum.
    ‘Danny!’ yelled Dad. ‘I think you’re cured! Say something else.’
    ‘Fidget on a corner flag, Beans on Toast.’
    Mum, Dad and Matthew gasped.
    Danny laughed. ‘Just kidding!’
    At that moment, Professor Walkinshaw walked off the stage.
    ‘Danny, Matthew, you’ve baffled the world of Boffindom,’ he beamed. ‘But don’t worry, I promise we will find a cure.’
    ‘It’s OK, Professor, I’ve just had an Out-of-the-blue Mum-delivered Baby-news Gobbledegook Cure,’ announced Danny.
    The professor frowned. ‘What?’ he asked.
    ‘His mum’s going to have a baby,’ Matthew translated. ‘And Danny can talk normally again.’

    ‘Ace!’ said Danny.
    ‘Don’t you mean Wonderfluff?’ laughed Matthew.
     
Danny Baker-Record Breaker
    Dear Mr Bibby
    This is me writing! Guess what? The only person talking gobbledegook now is my doctor, Professor Walkinshaw. He