There Was a Little Girl: The Real Story of My Mother and Me by Brooke Shields Read Free Book Online

separation. . . . I want to be happy with the two of you as a family and I am not going to change my thinking. I think of you as my wife this time away from New York, and I hope to God that I can redeem myself in your eyes so as to bring us back together. . . . I am trying to put out of my mind the trip to Mexico. I just don’t know. . . .
    He was clearly confused and did not know how to continue. He did love my mom and they did have a child together, so maybe he believed a separation would help. But he seemed to be fooling himself. My mom was not going to wait for what she was feeling would be the inevitable. She feared they would not last, and although convinced my father wanted to try to do the right thing, she thought he would not be happy in the long run.
    I have no letters from Mom to my dad during this time, but I found some diaries in which Mom wrote about how ashamed my father wasof her: “I am a burden to him financially and especially socially,” one entry read. “He’s ashamed to be with me in public for fear I may say something that might embarrass him.” Another one read, “I am too opinionated and don’t act right in public. I give a cheap appearance. ‘Cheesy’ was the word he used.”
    She told me Dad would get exasperated with her and her “deez, dems, and doz” way of speaking. She felt my father was ashamed to be with her. She writes that he wanted her to be a different person with a different background. I believe Mom was afraid he would eventually reject her, and she wanted to save herself the pain.
    She knew deep down that my father loved us but wanted a different life. Maybe she really was doing this for him, to set him free. I can’t say what is actually the truth or what my mom’s real insecurities were, but for some reason, she made a preemptive decision. My mother probably heard my father use the word separation and just made a rash choice.
    She flew to Mexico, where it used to be the very easiest place to obtain a divorce on your own. Mom left me with Lila and got the divorce by herself. By the time Dad returned from Europe, my mom had declared herself a single mother.
    What is so shocking and sad is how stunned my dad appeared by Mom’s pronouncement. I don’t think he was quite ready to be free from my mom, but I wonder if he was secretly a bit relieved.
    Mom’s actions often had an impulsive and self-destructive quality. She saw herself alone, and although I believe she craved love and partnership, she feared she was not worthy and therefore often jumped ship before she could get too hurt.
    Now, however, she had this little baby who couldn’t leave. She had a baby daughter who was completely dependent on her.
    My mother explained to my father that she wanted neither alimony nor any kind of child support other than an education for me. She said she could take care of the two of us somehow but insisted that he send me to school all the way through college.
    I doubt Dad talked about marriage again but they definitely took time to fully disengage with one another. They seemed to find a way to still spend a lot of time together because of me. He helped out when he could and they celebrated some holidays together for a couple of years. In fact I have many photos of us all together while I was a toddler and a young kid. It was as if without the pressure of being married, my dad could relax and love us both. They lived separately but eased out of one another’s lives. I have no idea if it was painful for my mom during this period but I am sure his getting married again would have stung when it happened.
    My father kept true to his word and paid for my entire formal education and was present and beaming on every graduation day.
    So, although the whirlwind of life and the emotions that accompanied the events of 1964 and 1965 were fraught, they did not seem void of love and some version of respect and understanding.

Chapter Three

    She Could Make It Rain
    H aving never really