This Holey Life by Sophie Duffy Read Free Book Online

her age, she cuts to the chase. ‘Why is Uncle Martin living
with us?’
    The question bounces around the echoey kitchen like a runaway tennis ball. I can feel my arms straining to catch it and hide it away, though Olivia has a point. Why is Martin living with us?
    Claudia might also be taken aback by this question but she doesn’t show it. She touches Olivia on the shoulder and says: ‘Because your mummy is a great big softie.’
    ‘Believe me, Claudia,’ I say. ‘If he hadn’t brought Jeremy as some kind of human shield, my brother would be confined to a Travelodge right now.’
    Claudia smiles grimly and puts the kettle on the Aga as if Dulwich Village were not actually in South London but somewhere in rural Devon.
    I sit at the enormous distressed pine table but leave Imo strapped firmly into her bucket, next to my chair; she’d crack her skull open on these unforgiving tiles. Olivia’s skipping
is on the verge of mania and I can visualise a trip to Kings College Hospital. She needs distraction. She needs television. Martin owns the biggest set in Christendom so that should do it.
    ‘Olivia, why don’t you ask Auntie Claudia if you can watch the TV?’
    Olivia considers this idea and asks in her sweetest voice: ‘Have you got Pimp my Ride , Auntie Claudia?’
    ‘Oh dear,’ says Auntie Claudia, blushing, recognising Jeremy’s hand at work. ‘How about you go up to my room and try on my shoes?’
    Olivia disappears sharpish before her auntie overcomes her guilty conscience. Claudia meanwhile busies herself making coffee, grinding beans and frothing milk with gadgets I didn’t know
had been invented. Finally, she joins me at the table, offering posh organic biscuits as a softener.
    We talk about her mother, where she has been staying since Boxing Day until finally returning home last night. (Claudia’s mother is quite possible royalty; she lives in a palace; I have
seen the photos.)
    Then we talk about Jeremy.
    Claudia says she misses him like crazy but she doesn’t feel she can let Martin off the hook where his son is concerned. I ask her if she wants to talk about what happened. Three cups of
coffee later – boy, this family likes its caffeine – and I have all the major details:
    Martin is a pain in the arse to live with (nothing I didn’t already know). He has long since broken all their wedding presents, including the Dartington champagne flutes, which
didn’t even make it to their first anniversary. He is loud. Takes over any conversation whenever they have a dinner party – on the rare occasions he agrees to one. He is facetious. He
is patronising. He is a pig.
    Martin is having a mid-life crisis. He downloads ‘silly music’ for his iPod and has grown ‘that disgusting excuse for a beard’.
    Martin worries over his job and takes it out on Claudia, belittling what she does. Claudia believes the world wants to know about Posh and Becks. She is fulfilling a need. Martin says she is
vacuous and facile.
    Martin moans about Jeremy going to Dulwich Prep. Claudia believes Dulwich Prep is the best place for a boy as ‘sensitive’ as Jeremy.
    Jeremy saw Martin with a younger woman. A student. In Starbucks. I ask if that is really a reason to suspect him of adultery. Apparently that isn’t the only time he’s been spotted
with her.
    ‘So I’m sorry, Vicky,’ Claudia sniffs, the tip of her pretty nose tinged pink. ‘I can’t have him back. Not after what he’s done. Not to mention the attempted
break-in.’ She sits up straighter in her chair. I know her well enough to see there is something else. Something that will affect me. ‘Actually, I’ve agreed to go to LA to cover a
story. A two-week trip. It’ll be great for my career. And great for me.’
    Ah.
    ‘Do you mind?’ she asks, a little sheepish.
    Yes. I mind. I mind very much. But I am the Good Auntie. ‘No, of course I don’t mind.’
    ‘Another coffee?’
    ‘Best not. I’m still feeding Imo.’
    ‘Gosh, Vicky. How