To Have and to Hold by Deborah Moggach Read Free Book Online Page B

all.
    Viv lay awake. It was the dead centre of the night. Beside her she heard Ollie’s regular breathing; she heard the stirring of her children in the next room. The creaks and sighs of an old house; how many children it must have kept temporarily safe. She heard a car hooting. She heard her father’s voice, shouting at Ann:
Life’s not fair, young lady, and the sooner you realize that the better
! Ann, as young and tender as Rosie, her sweet wide face perplexed, for how could anyone bear to tell her the truth?
    Down in the garden a cat yowled. The house breathed with its sleeping souls; she thought of Ann, washing her doll’spetticoat and hanging it up to dry, forgiving Viv who heard her murmurings under the bedclothes at night, speaking to a God she had to believe existed, for where else could one find the rightness of things? There had to be a rightness, otherwise one just believed in tossing a coin, and who could survive believing in a cruel flick of the wrist?
    A bed creaked and in the doorway stood Rosie in her Mothercare nightie. She rubbed her eyes and came over to Viv.
    â€˜I had a horrible dream,’ she said.
    â€˜Come here.’
    Viv pushed back the bedclothes and Rosie climbed in, as she so often did.
    â€˜I dreamed there were lots of long men . . .’
    â€˜Ssh . . .’
    She put her arms around Rosie and smoothed the hair from her forehead. But her daughter wouldn’t be calmed; she turned her head from side to side.
    â€˜And then one of them dropped down from the tree . . .’
    â€˜Ssh . . .’
    She willed Rosie to close her eyes. She must smooth it all away, because in a few years it would no longer be possible.
    That’s nerves, like being on stage.
All the next morning Viv mouthed the words. Never had she felt such an actress, standing in the classroom with the faces in front of her and her eyes on the clock. Later she could remember nothing she had said, it had passed in a blur until lunch-break and she was driving the car to Wood Green High Road.
    She parked opposite the building society. For a moment she sat there, her throat tight. Now she had made up her mind she felt a curious, hot shyness. But she also felt that she had just woken up. She got out of the car.
    â€˜What’s the matter?’ Ann stared at her through the glass. ‘What’s happened?’
    Viv stood at the window like a customer. She felt she should write down her news and slide it through, like a cash withdrawal. She would see Ann unfolding the piece of paper; she would see Ann’s face change.
    â€˜Nothing’s the matter,’ she said. ‘Come out to lunch.’
    â€˜What? Can’t hear through this glass.’
    â€˜Are you free for lunch?’
    Ann nodded and went to get her coat. A minute later they were getting into Viv’s old Peugeot. On its bonnet someone had traced, with their finger, I AM DIRTY .
    Viv did not start the engine. Ann sat beside her.
    â€˜I’ve been thinking,’ said Viv.
    â€˜What about?’
    â€˜I’ve been thinking all night and I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before.’
    â€˜What?’
    Viv paused. ‘About the baby.’
    Ann stared at her. ‘What baby?’
    Viv said: ‘It’s so obvious.’
    â€˜What is?’
    â€˜I’ll have it for you.’
    â€˜Have what?’
    Viv said slowly: ‘The baby.’
    There was a silence. Later, Viv remembered watching a traffic warden walk towards the next car, starting to write in her book. She remembered a blur of red buses.
    Ann said: ‘What did you say?’
    â€˜I’ll have the baby for you.’

_____
Five
_____
    NEVER HAD A afternoon taken so long to pass.
    At last it was four o’clock. The bell rang, doors slammed, voices echoed along the corridors. Viv hurried back to the staffroom but Madeleine, as usual, was on the phone.
    â€˜. . . Of course I’m ready for a relationship,’ she