Tricky Business by Dave Barry Read Free Book Online

to buy the Extravaganza of the Seas. The first thing he did, as owner, was go to the ship and personally fire Manny Arquero, from behind two bodyguards. Arquero did not seem troubled at all. He seemed almost amused, which made the experience far less satisfying than Kemp had hoped.
    Still, it looked as though he’d stumbled into another fine investment. From what he could tell from the books, the casino ship was a marvelous business, with customers handing over money—cash money; lots of cash money—in exchange for, basically, nothing. It puzzled Kemp that the previous owner had been willing to sell; in fact, he’d seemed almost eager to get rid of the ship.
    It did not take long for Kemp to find out why. Three days after the purchase, he was in his office, on the phone, when his receptionist, Dee Dee Holdscomb, stuck her head in the door, which was how she communicated with him, as she had not learned to operate the intercom. Dee Dee was another client of the Professional Medical Doctors Discount Laser Eye and Cosmetic Surgery Clinics, and Kemp had hired her solely on the basis of having cleavage that a small dog could get lost in.
    â€œThere’s a guy here wants to see you,” she said. Another thing she was not good at was getting names.
    â€œDoes he have an appointment?” Kemp asked.
    Dee Dee frowned, thinking. “Not as far as I know,” she said. “I never seen him before.”
    â€œTell him to make an appointment,” said Kemp, turning back to his phone call.
    â€œMr. Kemp says you . . .” said Dee Dee, but the man had already pushed past her, into Kemp’s office. He was a wide, bald man in slacks and a golf shirt. His name was Lou Tarant, and he had, in his career, killed nine people, although none in recent years, since he’d been promoted to management. He walked up to Kemp’s desk and put both hands on it. He had very big, very hairy forearms.
    â€œMr. Kemp,” he said. “My name is Lou Tarant.”
    Kemp looked up from the phone.
    â€œYou want to see me,” he said, “you make an appointment. I’m on the phone here.”
    â€œI just need a few minutes of your time,” said Tarant. “I’m with a group of businessmen, we do bus . . .”
    â€œAre you deaf ?” said Kemp. “I’m on the phone here.”
    â€œI think you want to hear what I got to say,” said Tarant, reaching over and pressing the hang-up button.
    â€œWhat the fuck do you think you’re doing?” said Kemp, standing.
    â€œI’m trying to meet with you,” said Tarant. “In a businesslike manner.”
    â€œDee Dee,” said Kemp, “call building security.”
    â€œDo you know what number that is?” said Dee Dee. “Because sometimes you hafta dial nine, but some other times you . . .”
    â€œJesus,” said Kemp. “Just go downstairs and get a guard, OK?”
    â€œOK,” said Dee Dee, hurt, leaving. Tarant turned to inspect her ass as she left, then walked over to the window, which overlooked Biscayne Bay.
    â€œI gotta tell you, Bobby,” he said, “this view and that secretary, I wouldn’t get nothing done.”
    Kemp slid open his right-hand desk drawer, where he kept his gun.
    â€œSay you shoot me,” said Tarant, still looking out the window. “First, you got to explain it to the cops, why you shot an unarmed guy just wanted to talk to you. Second, you mess up this carpet, which looks to me like wool, has to be, what, fifty bucks a yard?”
    â€œWhat do you want?” asked Kemp, closing the drawer.
    â€œLike I said, I’m with a group, businessmen, we do business with the Extravaganza, which, by the way, congratulations on the purchase.”
    â€œWhat kind of business?”
    â€œThis and that. Food and beverage, some personnel, some financial. We had a relationship, very beneficial. Win-win. We want to have the same relationship with