Troubles and Treats by Tara Sivec Read Free Book Online

its hand, wearing a suit and tie.  It’s weird.
    Another thing that’s weird?  Animals wearing clothes.  Did you know there’s a whole
     website dedicated to just cats wearing sweaters?  Do they ”do their business” while
     wearing sweaters?
    While I pounder these thoughts, I reach over in bed to scratch Miss Lippy’s head before
     I go to sleep.  But it doesn’t feel like Miss Lippy’s head; it’s not as fluffy.
    As I feel around the bed for the rest of Miss Lippy, wondering if maybe I’m nowhere
     near her head, I hear the back door open downstairs so Drew can let Rollo out.  As
     soon as I hear the door slam shut, I hear a whine in the bed next to me and feel a
     warm, wet puppy tongue on my chin.
    “Oh no!  Oh SHIT!”
    Drew just threw Miss Lippy out into the snow!  Poor, little Miss Lippy who has never been outside a day in her life except for the day Drew brought
     her home!
    I throw the covers off of me, scoop up Rollo, jump out of bed, and run as fast as
     I can down the stairs.  When I get to the last step, I hear the screams and wails
     of agony.
    Oh thank God!  Drew must have realized what he did and now he feels bad.  He’s so
     sweet for getting upset.
    I race through the house and skid to a stop in the doorway of the kitchen.
    Miss Lippy, sopping wet and covered in snow, is attached to the front of Drew’s chest. 
     And when I say attached, I mean it.  He hadn't worn a shirt to bed, so all four sets
     of claws are stuck deep into his skin as Drew screams and tries to pull her off of
     him.
    “MOTHER SON OF FUCKER SHIT!  GET THIS GOD DAMMED CAT OFF OF ME!” he shrieks as he
     tugs on the cat’s fur and the cat yowls and hisses up at him angrily.
    “Oh my gosh!  Drew, you threw Miss Lippy out instead of Rollo!” I tell him as I just
     stand there cuddling Rollo and watch Drew spin around in circles, slamming into the
     counter and chair as he wrestles with the cat.
    “GEE?  REALLY?  I HAD NO IDEA, WHAT WITH THE WET, KILLER CAT STUCK TO MY SKIN!” he
     screams at me as the cat uses his distraction to her advantage by climbing further
     up his chest until she can sink her teeth into his chin.
    Drew screeches at the top of his lungs while he continues to try and pry Miss Lippy
     off of him.  She’s growling now and drooling out of the side of her mouth, so I’m
     guessing she’s not going anywhere for a while.
    “I SAID I WAS SORRY, MISS LIPPY!  COME THE FUCK ON, THAT HURTS!  I SWEAR I DID NOT
     MEAN TO THROW YOU IN THE SNOW ! ”
    Drew and Miss Lippy are carrying on so loudly right now, I’m sure they are going to
     wake the kids up any minute.
    “Drew, keep it down!  You’re going to wake up Billy and Veronica,” I whisper loudly
     over the crying and hissing.
    “I HAVE A KILLER CAT WITH FANGS TRYING TO EAT MY FACE, JENNY!  SHE’S TRYING TO EAT
     OFF MY FACE!”
    Rollo sighs and huffs in my arms at the commotion and rests her head on my arm to
     continue watching.
    Drew bends over at the waist and tries to stick his arm up between Miss Lippy’s body
     and his chest to push her away from him since pulling on her fur is obviously just
     pissing her off.  She takes that opportunity to scramble up his face and onto his
     head, sinking her claws into his skull.
    I’m sorry, but at this point, I have to laugh.  Drew stands up when the cat gets to
     his head and is now trying to head-bang to get her to fall off, screaming the whole
     time because it’s just making her dig her claws in even further.
    I sort of feel bad for him when I see the claw marks and blood dripping down the front
     of his chest, arms, neck, and face.  It looks like he got into a fighting match with
     Freddy Kruger.  But then I think about the fact that he's brought home not one, but
     two new animals at the same time we've had an infant in the house, and it kind of
     makes me happy that this is going on right now.
    “IS THIS BECAUSE I TOOK A DUMP IN YOUR LITTER BOX?  I TOLD YOU I WAS SORRY