Truly Tasteless Jokes Two by Blanche Knott Read Free Book Online

has just been revealed by sacred divinations that unless the Pope sleeps with a woman, the Vatican State—indeed all of Catholicism—will come to a sudden and terrible end.
    The Pope thinks it over for a few minutes, and then agrees to go ahead with the profane deed. “But,” he says, “I have three stipulations.
    “First, she must be blind, so she cannot see where she is being taken.
    “Second, she must be deaf, so she cannot speak of what has happened to her.
    “And third, she must have big tits.”
    *
    Why didn’t Jesus get into college?
He got hung up on his boards.
    *
    “The question for today, boys and girls,” said Sister Mary, “is, ‘What part of the body goes to heaven first?’”
    Dirty Eddie was sitting in the front row waving his hand wildly, but since his answers were usually less than satisfactory, Sister Mary refrained from calling on him. “Yes, Veronica?”
    “The heart, Sister Mary, because that’s where God’s love touches you.”
    “Very good,” said Sister Mary. “Yes, Marilyn?”
    “The soul, Sister Mary, because that’s the immortal part of us.”
    “Very good, Marilyn,” said Sister Mary, observing with dismay that Dirty Eddie’s hand was still waving. “Yes, Eddie?”
    “The feet, Sister, the feet.” “Well, that’s a curious answer, Eddie. Why the feet?”
    “Because I’ve seen Ma with her feet up in the air, shouting, ‘I’m coming, God, I’m coming!’”
    *
    This nice guy dies and goes to heaven, where he is shown to a simple hut, dressed in a plain cotton robe, and offered wine and cheese. He had anticipated something a little fancier but all his needs are cared for, so he settles in happily . . . until, on his daily stroll, he comes across a fellow he had known on earth to be a scoundrel and criminal. This fellow is lounging on a luxurious cloud with a gorgeous blonde, dressed in a sumptuous toga, and is holding a bottle of Chivas Regal.
    All upset, the nice guy goes to talk to St. Peter. “Listen, St. Peter, on earth I was a great guy, never hurt anyone, never cheated, never stole, and all I get in heaven is a grass hut and some cheap wine. And there’s this guy who lied to his mother, stole from his brother, and tortured his sister, living in the lap of luxury. It’s not fair!”
    “It’s not all it’s cut out to be, my son,” says St. Peter soothingly. “He’s got a bottle of scotch with a hole in it and a beautiful blonde without one.”
    *
    How do you know Christ wasn’t born in Italy?
They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
    *
    A white guy and a black guy were having an argument as to whether God was white or black. So they booked a flight to the Holy Land, trekked up Mt. Sinai, and shouted their question up toward the sky as loudly as possible.
    “I AM WHAT I AM,” boomed down the earthshaking response.
    “You see,” said the white guy, turning around to his friend triumphantly.
    “Whaddaya mean?” asked the black guy. “What does that prove?”
    “Listen, if He were black, He would have said, ‘I is what I is.’”
    *
    This Irish lawyer dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates at the same time as the Pope. The Pope is assigned to a hovel and given a dry crust of bread, while the lawyer is ushered into a huge mansion where a staff of servants is placed at his disposal.
    “What’s the story?” the Pope angrily demands of St. Peter. “I was the head of the whole Catholic church and I’m stuck in a hovel, and you give this lawyer the run of the place . . .”
    “Well, your Holiness,” gently explained St. Peter, “we have literally hundreds of popes here in heaven, but we’ve never had an Irish lawyer before.”
    *
    Moses and Jesus are out fishing on the Sea of Galilee and the conversation comes around to miracles. “I’d sure like to perform one,” says Moses, “but I’m a bit out of shape—it’s been 4,000 years since my last one.” Jesus urges him on, so Moses goes up to the bow of the boat, raises both arms