Uncle John’s Briefs by Bathroom Readers’ Institute Read Free Book Online

Color Purple (Alice Walker); 20. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
Hobbit birthday! According to Tolkien lore, Bilbo Baggins was born on September 22.

YOU YELL, WE SHELL!
    Every branch of the armed services has its own set of official inspirational mottoes. And behind the scenes, they’ve got some unofficial ones, too. Here are some examples of both .
    M ARINE CORPS
Official: Semper Fidelis (“Always Faithful”), “Hell in a Helmet,” “Whatever It Takes,” Mors De Contactus (“Death on Contact”) Off the Record: “Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children” (USMC), “You Yell, We Shell,” “Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Essential, SIR!” (MARINES)
    ARMY
    Official: “It Will Be Done,” “This We’ll Defend,” “Duty, Honor, Country,” “Over, Under, and Through,” “Hell on Wheels,” “Heaven sent. Hell bent.”
    Off the Record: “Yes My Retarded A** Signed Up” (U.S. ARMY spelled backward)
    NAVY
    Official: “Can Do,” “Honor, Courage, Commitment,” “Always ready, always there,” “Lead, follow, or get out of the way.”
    Off the Record: “We’ve been to Hell…and it snows there too,” “You didn’t see me, I wasn’t there, and I’m not here now,” “In God we trust. All others, we monitor.” (Naval Intelligence)
    AIR FORCE
    Official: Uno Ab Alto (“One over All”), “Attack to Defend,” “Fire from the Clouds,” “These things we do that others may live”
    Off the Record: “We were going by there anyway,” “Nobody goes until we pass them the hose” (Fuel troops), “Without weapons, it’s just another airline.” (Weapons troops)
    COAST GUARD
    Official: Semper Paratus (Always Ready)
    Off the Record: “Support Search and Rescue—Get Lost”
The melting point of cocoa butter is just below 98.6°F. That’s why it melts in your mouth.

WHY DON’T WE HAVE
A WORD FOR THAT?
    Americans excel at inventing colorful expressions and slang, but it turns out other countries are pretty good at it, too .
    Kummerspeck (Germany): “Grief bacon”—the weight you gain by overeating when you’re worried about something.
    Attaccabottoni (Italy): A “buttonholer”—someone who corners casual acquaintances or even complete strangers for the purpose of telling them their miserable life stories.
    Modré Pondeli (Czech): “Blue Monday”—When you skip coming in to work to give yourself a three-day weekend.
    Razbliuto (Russia): The feeling you have for a person you used to love, but don’t anymore.
    Shitta (Iran): Leftover dinner that’s eaten for breakfast.
    Tartle (Scotland): To momentarily forget the name of the person you’re talking to. The word helps reduce the social embarrassment of such situations: “I’m sorry, I tartled there for a moment.”
    Pana po’o (Hawaii): To scratch your head in an attempt to remember something you’ve forgotten.
    Ngaobera (Easter Island): A sore throat caused by too much screaming.
    Backpfeifengesicht (Germany): A face that’s just begging for somebody to put their fist in it.
    Papierkrieg (Germany): “Paper war”—bureaucratic paperwork whose only purpose is to block you from getting the refund, insurance payment, or other benefit that you have coming.
    Rujuk (Indonesia): To remarry your ex-wife.
    Mokita (New Guinea): The truth that everyone knows, but no one will speak about.
    Gorrero (Spain, Central America): Someone who never picks up the check.
    Fucha (Poland): Using your employer’s time and resources for your own purposes. (Uncle John had never heard of such a thing and wanted to ask around the office if anyone else had, but everyone is still out to lunch.)
Which is bigger: Juneau (Alaska) or Los Angeles? Juneau, at 3,108 sq. mi. (LA is 458 sq. mi.)

WRINKLES IN TIME
    Time travel has fascinated scientists and writers for centuries. While the mainstream scientific community continues to research it, some already claim to have done it. Are they brilliant visionaries, or just lunatics?
    T IME TRAVELER: Father Pellegrino