Unseen Academicals by Terry Pratchett Read Free Book Online Page B

advise you, with this in mind, to forget all about Mister Nutt.’
    ‘Excuse me, Archchancellor, but that simply will not do!’
    Ridcully swayed backwards, like a man subjected to an attack by a hitherto comatose sheep.
    Ponder plunged on, because when you have dived off a cliff your only hope is to press for the abolition of gravity.
    ‘I have twelve jobs in this university,’ he said. ‘I do all the paperwork. I do all the adding up. In fact, I do everything that requires even a modicum of effort and responsibility! And I go on doing it even though Brazeneck have offered me the post of Bursar! With a staff! I mean real people, not a stick with a knob on the end. Now…Will…You…Trust…Me? What is it about Nutt that is so important?’
    ‘The bastard tried to lure you away?’ said Ridcully. ‘How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless Dean! Is there nothing he will not stoop to? How much did—’
    ‘I didn’t ask,’ said Ponder quietly.
    There was a moment of silence and then Ridcully patted him a couple of times on the shoulder.
    ‘The problem with Mister Nutt is that people want to kill him.’
    ‘What people?’
    Ridcully stared into Ponder’s eyes. His lips moved. He squinted up and down like a man engaged in complex calculation. He shrugged.
    ‘Probably everybody,’ he said.

    ‘Please have some more of my wonderful apple pie,’ said Nutt.
    ‘But she gave it to you,’ said Trev, grinning. ‘I’d never ’ear the end of it if I ate your pie.’
    ‘But you are my friend, Mister Trev,’ said Nutt. ‘And since it is my pie I can decide what to do with it.’
    ‘Nah,’ said Trev, waving it away. ‘But there is a little errand you can do for me, me being a kind and understanding boss what lets you work all the hours you want.’
    ‘Yes, Mister Trev?’ said Nutt.
    ‘Glenda will come in around midday. To be honest, she hardly ever leaves the place. I would like you to go and ask her the name of that girl who was up there tonight.’
    ‘The one who shouted at you, Mister Trev?’
    ‘The very same,’ said Trev.
    ‘Of course I will do that,’ said Nutt. ‘But why don’t you ask Miss Glenda yourself? She knows you.’
    Trev grinned again. ‘Yes, she does and that’s why I know she won’t tell me. If I am any judge, and I’m pretty sound, she would like to know you better. I’ve never met a lady so good at feelin’ sorry for people.’
    ‘There’s not much of me to know,’ said Nutt.
    Trev gave him a long, thoughtful glance. Nutt had not taken his eyes off his work. Trev had never seen anyone who could be so easily engrossed. Other people who ended up working in the vats were a bit weird, it was almost a requirement, but the little dark-grey fellow was somehow weird in the opposite direction. ‘You know, you ought to get out more, Mister Nutts,’ he said.
    ‘Oh, I don’t think I should like that at all,’ said Nutt, ‘and may I kindly remind you my name is not plural, thank you.’
    ‘’ave you ever seen a game of football?’
    ‘No, Mister Trev.’
    ‘Then I’ll take you to the match tomorrow. I don’t play, o’course, but I never miss a game if I can ’elp it,’ said Trev. ‘No edged weapons, prob’ly. The season starts soon, everyone’s warming up.’
    ‘Well, that is very kind of you, but I—’
    ‘Tell you what, I’ll pick you up down ’ere at one o’clock.’
    ‘But people will look at me!’ said Nutt. And in his head he could hear Ladyship’s voice, calm and cool as ever: Do not stand out. Be part of the crowd.
    ‘No, they won’t. Trust me on that,’ said Trev. ‘I can sort that out. Enjoy your pie. I’m off.’
    He pulled a tin can out of his coat pocket, dropped it on to his foot, flicked it into the air, toed it a few times so it spun and twinkled like some celestial object and then kicked it very hard so it sailed off down the huge gloomy room a few feet above the vats, rattling slightly. Against all probability it