Warm and Witty Side of Attila the Hun by Jeffrey Sackett Read Free Book Online

railroad man.' So he asked Jim Bob some questions and he liked Jim Bob's answers, and then he said, 'Well now, Jim Bob, you're doing good so far. I just got one more question, and I want you to think long and hard before you answer it. Let's suppose that you, Jim Bob, you are the depot master. The word comes down the line"( i.e. on the telegraph ) "that a train is heading due north at 30 miles an hour, and another train is heading due south at 30 miles an hour on the same track. You run out to pull the rail switch so they won't collide, but the switch is broke. What are you agonna do, Jim Bob?' Jim Bob sat back and studied on it a spell. Then he said, 'I reckon I'd run home and fetch my brother Billy.' This confused the depot master. ' Tarnation , Jim Bob, why would you fetch your brother Billy?' 'Well sir,' said Jim Bob, ‘my brother Billy ain't never seen a train wreck.'"
    In other words, the Civil War was inevitable.
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    One of Abraham Lincoln's better known quips was in a cabinet meeting, when he announced his support of Ulysses Simpson Grant. When one cabinet member objected to Grant because he was a heavy drinker, Lincoln mused that perhaps he should find out what kind of whiskey Grant drank and send a cask to every other Union general.
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    James Abram Garfield was elected president in 1880 and was assassinated in 1881, making his presidency the second shortest in our history. There is very little of interest to be said about the poor fellow, but his assassin is another matter all together. The assassin, Charles Guiteau , was an emotionally disturbed misanthrope, a failure at everything he had ever tried, and suffering from delusions of grandeur. He gave a speech on Garfield 's behalf in 1880 at a public meeting in New York City , and expected for this reason to be appointed U.S. ambassador to France . When Garfield (who didn't even know who he was) failed to appoint him, Guiteau murdered him.
    Two interesting things subsequently transpired.
    One: Guiteau was one of the first murder defendants in American history whose attorney used the insanity defense in an attempt to have his client escape the noose. A few decades earlier, Rep. Daniel Sickles murdered U.S. District Attorney Philip Key, who was having an affair with Sickles’s wife. The defense strategy, pleading not guilty by reason of insanity, was successful. Guiteau was not so lucky. The attempt failed, even though Guiteau was quite obviously a mental case. He was duly convicted and was promptly hanged.
    Two: while Guiteau was in prison awaiting trial, a prison guard took a shot at him, and missed. The guard was subsequently tried for attempted murder. He was found not guilty by reason of insanity.
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    I told Bill McKinley not to nominate that lunatic!   Now look!   That goddamned cowboy is president of the United States!
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    Theodore Roosevelt was one of the most unusual and impressive men ever to occupy the White House. Naturalist, author, rancher, explorer, soldier, hunter, statesman—only Jefferson was so varied in his interests, and no president even comes close to TR’s adventures and literary output.
    On February 14, 1884, young Roosevelt's wife Alice died, two days after giving birth; his mother died on the same day in the same house. Overcome with grief, Roosevelt left his infant daughter in the care of his sister and went out to the Dakota Territory to become a cattle rancher.
    Stories about TR out in the Wild West are legion. Knocking a hostile drunk unconscious with a single blow in a saloon fight ... facing down three hostile Sioux, armed only with a rifle ... being involved in a showdown and staring down his opponent until the man chickened out ... as a deputy sheriff, tracking down and capturing three thieves who had stolen from him, guarding his captives single-handedly for the forty-hour overland journey back to town, keeping himself awake at night by reading Tolstoy ... not to mention the cow-punching life