What to Expect the Toddler Years by Heidi Murkoff Read Free Book Online Page B

a conscience weighed down by plaintive sobs knows. And you’re not the only one hampered: Your toddler can’t accomplish as much, either—physically, emotionally, socially, or developmentally—when she’s clinging to you.

    Torn between a craving for independence and a fear of it, most toddlers still need the sense of security that comes from clinging to a parent.
    During this sometimes difficult transitional age, you’ll need to walk a fine line between providing too much comfort and security and providing too little; between giving her all the support she needs to grow and stifling her growth by overprotecting her. She won’t learn to let go overnight—it’s a process thatbegins at birth and continues throughout childhood, adolescence, and young adult-hood—but given lots of loving encouragement, she will begin loosening her hold on your leg and start making strides away from your side. Help pave the way for those strides with the following tips:
    Reassure about your return. Some children this age still worry that when a loved one is out of sight, they’re gone for good. Games that teach object permanence (the concept that an object still exists even when it’s no longer in sight) may help take some of that uncertainty away—especially if you’re the object. Play peek-a-boo with your toddler. Duck behind the door to the next room (or, if that’s too upsetting for her, behind the sofa or a chair in the room she’s in). Next ask, “Where am I?” And then poke your smiling face out and say, “Here I am!” Over the period of a week or so, gradually extend hiding time from a few seconds to half a minute to a full minute or two.
    To maintain comforting contact while you’re out of view, talk to your toddler (“Where did Mommy go? Where could she be?”) or sing a silly ditty (such as “Where is Mommy? Where is Mommy? Where’d she go? Where’d she go? Where’s your loving Mommy? Where’s your loving Mommy? Here she is! Here she is!” to the tune of “Frère Jacques”). If, at first, your toddler seems unduly unnerved by this game, try hiding only your face (behind your hands, a napkin, a book) or only part of your body (behind a curtain or a door), or try hiding a teddy bear or doll instead of yourself. When your toddler starts to feel comfortable with your disappearing act, encourage her to play the game, too. Keep in mind that although it’s important to foster independence, you should never leave a young toddler alone in a room—unless she has been safely deposited in a play yard or crib she can’t climb out of. If you want your toddler to get used to staying in a room without you, do that only when another adult (or responsible child over 5) is with her.
    Make time for togetherness . . . Paradoxically, the more attention your toddler gets, the less she’s likely to crave. Spending plenty of time with her—singing songs, reading books, sharing tea parties, building block towers, creating collages—will eventually help her feel more secure and thus more able to spend time without you. Be sure, too, that there is plenty of physical contact during the course of the day—hugs, kisses, lap sitting, and so on.
    . . . but don’t overdo it. If you are a constantly hovering presence, you may prevent your toddler from developing independence and learning to play by herself. Start to encourage her to play independently.
    Set her up. Before you walk away from your toddler (even if you’re just walking to the other side of the same room), get her interested in an activity that will (hopefully) occupy her for the brief time you’re otherwise occupied (“Why don’t you feed your teddy while I make lunch?”)
    Keep in touch. Talk to her occasionally while you work; reach over and pat her head or help her fit a difficult shape into the shape-sorter.
    Keep it casual. Sometimes parents unwittingly communicate their own feelings of anxiety to their children. Whenever you leave your toddler’s side, do it