"Who Could That Be at This Hour?" (All the Wrong Questions) by Lemony Snicket Read Free Book Online Page A

than “Hello” or “Nice to meet you” or “I thought you might be hungry, so I took the liberty of bringing you some lamb chops.”
    “Harvey,” the other officer said sharply. “You’re not supposed to call me your wife when we’re on official business.”
    The first officer sighed. “Mimi, you’re my wife whether we’re on duty or not.”
    “Don’t remind me,” his wife replied. “I’m having a bad enough day as it is. It was your turnto empty the dishwasher, Harvey, but as usual you forgot, and I had to do it myself.”
    “Mimi, stop nagging me.”
    “I’m not nagging you.”
    “Yes you are.”
    “Harvey, gently pointing something out is not nagging.”
    “That was gentle? I’ve seen a pack of wolves act as gentle as that.”
    “When have you ever seen a pack of wolves?”
    “Well, not actual wolves, but I’ve visited your sister’s house, and her kids—”
    I can’t imagine there is anyone reading this who needs to be told that when two married adults start to argue, it can last for hours, if not days, and the only way to stop it is to interrupt them. “You said you had some questions for me?” I asked.
    “We’ll ask the questions around here,” Mimi Mitchum said. “We’re the law in Stain’d-by-the-Sea. We’re the ones who catch criminals and putthem on the train back to the city to be locked up. From the outskirts of town in the hinterlands to the boundary of the Clusterous Forest, we know every single thing that happens in this town. So when strangers arrive, we feel it is our duty to welcome them and ask them what exactly it is that they’re doing here.”
    “We love ink,” Theodora tried.
    “You told Mr. Mallahan you loved lighthouses.”
    “We love everything,” Theodora said with a desperate smile.
    “What my chaperone means,” I said, “is that although we’re here on business, we hope to take in some of the fantastic sights of this wonderful community. I was just admiring your police station, for instance.”
    “Harvey hung that sign himself,” Mimi Mitchum said proudly.
    “It’s true,” the male Officer Mitchum said, “but what we’re here to say is that one sight wehope you will not enjoy is the inside of our only jail cell. We couldn’t help but notice that soon after the arrival of two strangers, this town experienced a crime. It is a small crime, to be sure, but it is a crime nonetheless.”
    “What happened?” I asked.
    “A streetlight was vandalized,” Harvey Mitchum said. “Right around the corner from the library, someone slung a small rock and shattered the bulb. It’s still too early to make assumptions, but it wouldn’t be surprising if this crime could be traced to the two of you. Where have you been for the last hour, Snicket?”
    “In the library,” I answered.
    “Can anyone verify this?”
    “Dashiell Qwerty, the librarian.”
    “That ruffian,” Mimi Mitchum scoffed. “I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t spend time on his appearance.”
    “I’d say he spent lots of time,” I said. “That haircut looked like it took hours. He and I wereinterrupted by a young boy with a slingshot. Qwerty said his name was Stew.”
    The Officers Mitchum looked sternly at me, their mouths set in identical snarls. “Our son, Stewart,” the female Mitchum said, “is a genius and a gentleman. He is certainly not a criminal. Why, he begged to come with us just in order to welcome you.”
    She gestured to the station wagon, and I saw for the first time Stew’s thick, sneering head peering out the open window. When the eyes of the adults were upon him, he found an enormous smile someplace and plastered that on his face instead. “Nice to meet you, Lemony,” he said to me in a falsely cheerful voice. “I love meeting nice people my own age! I do hope we become the bestest of friends!”
    “You see?” Harvey Mitchum said to me as Stew stuck his tongue out at me without anyone seeing. “A charming boy.”
    “A darling boy,” Mimi Mitchum