"Who Could That Be at This Hour?" (All the Wrong Questions) by Lemony Snicket Read Free Book Online Page B

said. “Latelyhe’s been interested in local bird life.”
    “I bet he grows up to be a brilliant scientist,” her husband said.
    “Or a doctor,” said his wife.
    “A brilliant doctor.”
    “Of course, Harvey. You know I meant a brilliant doctor. You don’t have to embarrass me like that.”
    “I wasn’t trying to embarrass you.”
    “Well, then you were wasting time.”
    “I wasn’t wasting time! It only took a second!”
    “Then what were you trying to do? Why would you even say such a thing if you weren’t trying to embarrass your wife?”
    “You said I shouldn’t call you my wife when we’re on duty!”
    “And you said I was still your wife whether we were on duty or not.”
    “Excuse me,” I said, “but if you don’t have any more questions, I’d like to go to my room.”
    The Officers Mitchum looked at me in irritation for interrupting their argument. “We’ll be keeping an eye on you two,” Mimi Mitchum said, pointing a surprisingly long finger, and after a brief dispute over which Mitchum would drive, the station wagon rattled away down the street, and Theodora stood up to stare down at me.
    “We’re not in town one day,” she said, “and already you’re in trouble with the law. I’m disappointed in you, Snicket.”
    “I didn’t vandalize a streetlight,” I said.
    “That’s not important,” she said with a shake of her hair. “We need to move tonight.”
    “Let’s look for a place with two separate rooms.”
    “No, I mean tonight we must be interlopers,” she said, “a word which here means stealing the Bombinating Beast and returning it to its rightful owners.”
    “I think the statue is with its rightful owners,”I said, not adding that I had known what “interlopers” meant since I was ten years old and read a short story by a British man with a funny false name. “I did some research at the library, and local legends say that the Bombinating Beast has been associated with the Mallahan family for generations. And when Moxie Mallahan showed it to me, it looked very dusty, as if it hadn’t been moved in years.”
    “Legends are just made-up stories,” Theodora said scornfully, “and anyone can pour dust on something to make it look old. Some years ago I had a case where two brothers were arguing over a seashell collection. The younger brother poured dust on the shells to try to prove they were his, but I saw through his ridiculous ruse. In any case, it’s all settled. I called the Sallis mansion this afternoon and made arrangements with the butler. We will take the statue from the lighthouse and climb out the window to reach the mansion by way of the hawser. The butler agreed to leavethe window to the library open and signal us with a candle that all is clear. We will deliver the statue to him, and the case will be closed.”
    It struck me that it was probably not dust but sand on the shells, so that it was likely that the younger brother was the true owner of the seashell collection. It also struck me that it was not a good time to say this. My chaperone leaned in close to me. “What you are to do,” she said, “is break into the lighthouse sometime this evening and wait inside. At midnight exactly you will open the door for me and lead me to the item in question. This must go off without a hitch, Snicket. People are watching us.”
    “You mean the Officers Mitchum?”
    Theodora shook her head. “I mean someone from our organization. Wherever a chaperone goes, there is someone keeping an eye on things. You don’t know this, Snicket, but out of fifty-two chaperones, I am ranked only tenth. If I solve this case quickly, my ranking will improve.Now off you go. I’ll see you at the lighthouse at midnight.”
    “What about dinner?” I asked.
    “I already had dinner, thank you.”
    “What about my dinner?”
    She frowned at me and walked up the stairs. “That’s the wrong question, Snicket. There are more important things than dinner. Focus on the