Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin Read Free Book Online

other for help, rely on one another, and share your vulnerabilities. It is your primary means of support and protection. For example, whenever you and your partner go into social situations, especially ones involving difficult people, you can make a plan ahead of time that insures you will both be protected by your bubble. As Greta and Bram did, work together so you can figuratively hold hands throughout the event. By holding hands I mean remaining in contact with one another, tracking one another, and being available at a moment’s notice. Rely on eye contact, physical contact, whispering, hand signals, smoke signals—whatever! Conspire together about how you will address difficult people. Perhaps you will literally hold hands or sit next to one another in their presence. We’ll further discuss how to protect your couple bubble in chapter 7. In the meantime, remember that splitting up to deal with difficult people or situations leaves you vulnerable. Together, you can be truly formidable.

Chapter 2
    The Warring/Loving Brain: How You Can Keep the Love Alive
    “A couple bubble, huh?” Shenice says to her husband as they drive home from a therapy session.
    “Cool idea,” he replies, focusing on his driving.
    Shenice continues, “But how can we create a bubble if only one of us is interested?”
    She looks, steely eyed, toward Darius, who rolls his eyes in return.
    “Don’t give me that look!” Shenice barks in response. “Maybe you’re interested but just can’t do it,” she continues. “Or what if I can’t do it? I mean, we’re talking about real people with real lives.”
    Darius and Shenice, married seven years, with two small children, adore one another and have since high school. But despite their deep affection, together they are like firecrackers, each setting the other off, often without warning.
    “Don’t put that on me!” replies Darius, and this time Shenice rolls her eyes. “I’m interested,” he says, “but you were correct when you said you can’t do this bubble thing. I’m not the one who forgets all about you when we go to your folks.”
    “You’re bringing that up again?” Shenice throws her head back with exasperation.
    Friends and family of this couple are familiar with their hair-trigger tempers and the scenes they often create in and outside their home, alone and with others. Whenever they get this way, their words and phrases are similar, as are the memories of hurt and betrayal.
    Darius and Shenice fought in earlier relationships, all the way back to their original families. In calm moments, they speak softly; their conversations are fresh, not retreads of old arguments; and their banter is more playful. They likely are nestled in their couple bubble during these moments. However, when either perceives a threat cue from the other—which could be a shift in the eyes, a pause in speech, a roll of the eyes, or a strong exhale—love turns quickly to war. Their faces fill with blood; eyes widen; voices increase in volume; vocal pitch changes; limbs stiffen; and lips begin to smack, signaling dry mouth. They no longer appear as lovers or even friends, but as predators or enemies. Gone is the playful banter, gone are mentions of goodwill and friendliness, gone is the freshness of their conversation. Instead, their talk returns to old subjects, unanswered questions about the relationship, and familiar accusations and counter-accusations.
    Why does all this happen?
    Darius and Shenice, like the rest of us, have brains that specialize in threat perception and threat response. Unfortunately, our biological heritage doesn’t automatically guarantee a couple bubble for all. But it does provide mechanisms to deal with threats to our survival. This isn’t to say the whole brain is involved in warlike behavior; in fact, only part of the brain engages in threat perception and response. Other parts help us be our most loving, kind, and friendly selves. And, yes, help us create a couple