Wuthering Heights by Spike Milligan Read Free Book Online Page A

reason, he now dresses like a woman
and is called Gladys.”
    ‘Mr Lockwood, I couldn’t
believe it, I had a presentiment that no good would come of this. Before
Heathcliff left he held up his pile ointment. “Thanks for remembering, Cathy.”
    ‘ “You sure you wouldn’t
like a quick Tandoori King Prawn?” said Edgar.
    ‘ “No thank you,” said
Heathcliff, loosening Cathy from his embrace, and bade us goodnight.
    ‘In the middle of the night
Mrs Linton came to my bedside. It was Cathy with the wind in her hair. “I
couldn’t sleep, Nelly, I want some living creature to keep me company in my
happiness.”
    ‘I said, “Well, there’s the
dog in the kitchen.”
    ‘ “No, no, Nelly, I want to
talk about Heathcliff and his twelve inches, when I compare it with Edgar’s, I
know where my heart lies. Oh, when I think of Heathcliff and his, my heart
breaks like a hammer bomb billy bomb billy bomb bomb bomb bomb it goes, Nelly.
It’s terrible, I can’t mention Heathcliff and his thing to Edgar. He goes into
a fury. He locks himself in the bathroom and I hear him screaming as though he
is stretching something and he shouts ‘One day it will be bigger!”’
    ‘I said to Miss Cathy,
“It’s nearly one o’clock, why don’t you go for a nice five-mile barefoot run on
the moors. It will calm you down and I’ll be able to get some bloody sleep.”
    ‘So she ran barefooted on
the moor in the wind and the rain calling out “Heathcliff, my love”, and
stopping now and then to pull thorns from the soles of her feet. Through all
this Heathcliff was asleep with one hand on his manhood.
    ‘Heathcliff — Mr Heathcliff
I should say in future — used the liberty of visiting Thrushcross Grange
cautiously at first. He used to come in various ingratiating costumes. First he
came as the Pope, then Nelson, then a dustman. He tried several more until his
presence was finally accepted. However, a new source of trouble came from
Isabella, Linton’s sister, who in a shaft of sunlight had seen swelling in
Heathcliff’s trousers. Her brother tried to save his sister from Heathcliff’s
attraction, not only her but his wife Cathy. He tried making Heathcliff sit
behind a screen. When he was not there Isabella sulked, it was affecting her
health, she was dwindling and fading before our eyes. We had to put a mark on
her to show us where she was. One day she grew cross and, as she dwindled,
rejected her breakfast, complained that the servants would not do as she told
them, like jump off the roof.
    ‘ “Get back in bed,” said
Cathy.
    ‘ “I am in bed,” said
Isabella.
    ‘ “You see,” said Cathy.
“You’re so thin we can’t tell the difference.”
    ‘ “You’re so harsh,” said
Isabella.
    ‘ “How can you say I’m
harsh, you naughty fondling?”
    ‘ “I’m not a naughty
fondling,” she shrieked, exposing herself.
    ‘ “When have I been harsh?”
shrieked Cathy.
    ‘ “Yesterday,” shrieked
Isabella, “when we walked on the moor, while you ran barefoot with the wind and
the rain through your hair with Heathcliff, you told me to ramble elsewhere.”
    ‘ “No,” shrieked Cathy. “I
told you to bugger off.” So the enmity twix sisters went on, day in day out
they twixed over Heathcliff. Sometimes they even twixed under Heathcliff.’

Chapter
XI
     
     
     
    NE DAY I put on my bonnet, a rock fell on my
head. It was Mr Edgar’s joke. “April fool,” he said. The joke was on him, this
was June. I made my way to Wuthering Heights. I wanted to see what this “thing”
of Heathcliff’s was that caused this jealousy; it caused Miss Cathy to run wild
on the moors shouting “It’s mine.”
    ‘As I drew nigh I saw a
boy, it was my darling Hareton! “God bless ’ee,” I said.
    ‘He picked up a rock and
threw it at my head. “April fool,” he said.
    ‘When I regained
consciousness he was standing by me. “Are ’ee all right?” he said.
    ‘I said, “Yes”.
    ‘ “Then you better piss
off,”