Wuthering Heights by Spike Milligan Read Free Book Online

and told her. “A
person from the Gimmerton YMCA wishes to see you, m’am,” I said.
    ‘ “What does he want?” said
Mrs Linton.
    ‘ “He wants to see you in a
haystack,” I said, giving her a meaningful look, of which she knew not the
meaning. “I must warn you he now dresses on his right side.”
    ‘ “Bring up the tea,” she
said, and tripped gaily from the room.
    ‘She was singing happily as
she pitched headlong down the stairs. Ignoring her scream, Mr Edgar inquired
carelessly who the stranger was.
    ‘ “It was Heathcliff.”
    ‘ “What?” said Edgar. “The
curry addict?”
    ‘ “Shh, Mr Edgar, you must
not hurt him because of his curry,” I said. “She was heartbroken when he ran
off to find his dream corner shop. When she sees him again the wind from the
wild moor will blow through her hair again even though now she has scurf.”
    ‘Hiding the bottle of
Bell’s whisky, a bargain at £2, Mr Linton went to the window and peered down.
He liked a good peer. “Don’t stand there, bring him up.”
    ‘So Catherine flew
upstairs, breathless and wild. “Oh Edgar,” she panted, flinging her arms around
his neck, bringing them both crashing to the ground. With a yowl a cat flew
under them. “Oh Edgar, darling, Heathcliff’ s come back.”
    ‘ “Why?” managed to croak
Mr Linton, trying to rise with Cathy hanging on his neck. “Nelly,” he called.
“Get her off me, she’s strangling me.”
    ‘Grabbing Cathy by the
ankles, I pulled her off, alas! also her drawers.
    ‘ “Oh, Heathcliff,” cried
Cathy. “He’s back.”
    ‘ “Look,” said her
cuckolded husband. “He’s a curry addict.”
    ‘ “I know you don’t like
him,” she said, pulling up her drawers, the wind on the moor still blowing
through her hair. “Shall I ask him to come up now?”
    ‘ “Here?” said Edgar, “into
the parlour!!!?”
    ‘ “Where else?” she asked.
    ‘ “How about Calcutta?” he
said. He finally suggested the laundry.
    ‘ “No, no,” said Cathy.
    ‘ “Lay the table in here,
Nelly,” said Edgar. I bade Heathcliff step up, and with Catherine trying to
control herself I showed Heathcliff in. Cathy shot across the floor and,
throwing her arms around him, showered him with passionate kisses.
    ‘Mr Linton stood watching
them, eventually he sat down to watch them. Finally rising, “Ahem Ahem,” he
said, tapping Heathcliff on the shoulder, finally with my aid we pulled them
apart.
    ‘ “Do sit down, sir, and
have some refreshment,” said Edgar. “You must be tired after your journey.
Nelly prepare some tea. Would you like a curry, Mr Heathcliff?”
    ‘ “No, Mr Heathcliff does
not want a curry — not yet, later on he might like some prawn samosas.”
    ‘Mr Linton stood as Cathy
and Heathcliff stared passionately at each other, “It’s nice to see you and Mrs
Linton discussing old times,” said Mr Linton.
    ‘Mrs Linton’s breast was
heaving. “Heathcliff,” she whispered, steam arising from her bra.
    ‘ “Cathy,” responded
Heathcliff, perspiration cascading down his forehead.
    ‘ “I say,” said Mr Linton,
“you two are getting along famously.” They were too much absorbed in their
mutual joy to suffer any embarrassment from Mr Linton, who sat there a
gooseberry. He grew pale with annoyance when Cathy seized Heathcliff’s hands
again. She gave a joyous laugh. “Ahem Ahem,” went Mr Linton.
    ‘ “I shall think of it as a
dream tomorrow,” cried Cathy. “Oh, here, Heathcliff, when you left Wuthering
Heights.”
    ‘She handed him something
wrapped in pink tissue paper. With his heart pounding he opened it. It was his
pile ointment. Heathcliff was too full for words. They embraced.
    ‘ “Ahem Ahem,” said Mr
Linton. “Cathy, unless you want cold tea you best come to the table. I’m sure
Mr Heathcliff will be leaving soon. Where are you staying the night? Are you
going to the YMCA?”
    ‘ “No, Wuthering Heights,
Mr Earnshaw invited I stay there, for some