You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice by The Believer Read Free Book Online Page B

symbol on the side of my glasses. Does that make me a tool? I mean, my thick-rimmed glasses are really sweet .
Chad
San Francisco, CA
    Dear Chad:
    Unfortunately your glasses have nothing to do with making you a tool. If it were only the glasses then I suppose this could be solved. Sadly, I think it might have something to do with your first name, Chad. Unless your parents emigrated from Chad and named you in honor of their homeland, I can see no reason to name a child Chad.
    I guess if your last name were Armani, you could say, “Hey, it’s my last name. I’m Chad Armani.” Admit it. Seeing “Chad” next to “Armani” really makes you realize how bad your first name is.
Jim
    …
    Dear Jim:
    I had a weird dream last night where I went on a killing spree, murdering all of my ex–college roommates (I had a lot of them apparently), and for some reason Elvis Costello was fingered for the crime. I sat in the courtroom and watched him get a life sentence, and then he turned to me and smiled and started singing, “Alison, I know this world is killing you.” And the really bizarre part is, my name isn’t Alison. What could this dream mean?
Norah
Lancaster, PA
    Dear Norah:
    Wait—the “bizarre part” was that your name isn’t Alison? Really, THAT was the bizarre part? Not the murder spree or your letting a great musician take the heat? Just your name? Lady, you are a nut bag. Stop watching Law & Order before bed.
Jim
    …
    Dear Jim:
    What’s the difference between extra-virgin olive oil and the regular kind?
Cindy, rocking it in Reno
    Dear Cindy:
    I don’t have time to do research, but I think the biggest difference between extra-virgin olive oil and virgin olive oil is that extra-virgin olive oil has an extra word. The word is “extra.” That’s probably it. Well, maybe when they create or make virgin olive oil there is leftover or extra-virgin olive oil? That could be. Why are you asking me? Just ’cause I own a dozen olive farms and I’m a virgin?
Jim
    …
    Dear Jim:
    I saw a sticker on a street pole the other day that read, CRAP! OBAMA IS A MARXIST! Should I be alarmed?
Bryan Geoff Schuler
Dallas, TX
    Dear Bryan:
    Uh, yeah! They did use the word “crap.” For someone to use such a crass word as “crap,” I think it’s pretty serious. I hope you crossed out “crap” and wrote “darn” or “by golly.” Thank god kids can’t read today or they would be totally corrupted by such language.
    By the way, who is Obama? I hope he’s not black.
Jim
    …
    Dear Jim:
    Am I the only one in the world whose eyes are being fried by staring at the computer so much? I hate to complain, but, yeah. I’m gonna. Can I get goggles for this shit somewhere?
Max in Montana
    Dear Max:
    Sorry, we are all out of goggles here, but I’ll see if I can send over a really big crib so you can take a nap. I guess I should just talk to your dad about paying for it. Enjoy your Winnie the Pooh blanket.
Jim
    …
    Dear Jim:
    My best friend’s been turning into a real ass lately. Says he’s been getting migraines. I think it’s the recession. We need marriage counseling, except not for married people. Where do friends go for that sort of thing? Or better yet, what’s your ten-step recovery program for friends on the rocks?
David V .
Pasadena, TX
    Dear David:
    Let me be clear up front. Your letter reminded me why I hate all sitcoms about groups of friends. Now back to you. I must admit you sound like a really great friend.
DAVID: How’s it going?
FRIEND: Unfortunately, I have another really bad migraine.
DAVID: You’re turning into an ass.
    I suppose if your friend got a terminal disease you might want to sue him. Heck, you should be counseling people on sensitivity. Please accept my friend request.
Jim

Zach Galifianakis
    Dear Zach:
    Two years ago, I was married impetuously, against the wishes of my parents. Now everyone’s content; that is, everyone but me. Lately I’ve noticed that my life is extremely dull. My friends no