Zombie Fighter Jango #1 The Road to Hell Is Paved With Zombies by Cedric Nye Read Free Book Online

saw her slightly enlarged middle knuckles and knew that he had guessed right about her practicing martial arts of some kind. “My name’s Jango,” he said warily, watching her for any signs that she was about to attack.
    “My name is Sonja,” she replied.
    They stood silently, not quite making eye contact, just two introverts trying to figure out what to say to each other.
    Jango finally broke the silence, “Sonja,” he said, “That’s a pretty cool name.”
    “Yeah,” he said, “Like Red Sonja from the Conan books by Robert E. Howard. She was a total bad-ass, but not like in the movie, no, she was a thief.” Then he hurriedly added, “But Conan was a thief too. They were both good guys, err, good people. Gender didn’t matter, they just kicked ass all the time.” He finished lamely, as he looked down at his feet.
    Sonja looked embarrassed at first, and then the ghost of a smile turned up the corners of her mouth.
    He looked around for a moment, and then suddenly blurted, “Don’t you have a gun? I mean, you’re in a gun store, why the hell are you hiding, what happened?”
    She went back to looking embarrassed and said, “After those zombies started showing up, I came here to get a gun, but, ahhhh, something, well happened .”
    Now Jango was getting interested. Any little mystery or anything even remotely resembling a mystery instantly turned him into a member of the Scooby Gang.
    “What?” he asked, “What happened?”
    Sonja’s face blushed crimson as she said, “The damn stupid shit-ass Zombies scared the shit out of me . I mean like actually scared the shit out of me. I had to go so bad when I got here that I never got a chance to get a gun or anything!” She continued telling her story, “I asked them out front where the restrooms were, and a tall, skinny guy showed me the way back here. I noticed he looked kind of pale, kind of shitty looking, you know? He was twitching and making a messed up noise, kind of like a pigeon makes.” She imitated the sound, ‘
“
Cooooo-hoooo ,
.
”
    He just nodded because he didn’t want to interrupt her story. He recognized the sound she had made. One of the zombies had made the same sound at his hotel. It had been a soft cooing noise, like a happy baby. He shuddered inwardly. He couldn’t stand the noises those things made!
    “So I went into the restroom and, oh, man , my guts were cramping like crazy. I managed to lock the door, though, because that guy gave me the fucking creeps.” She continued her story, “So I barely had the time to get a couple of those ass-gaskets down on that disease infested toilet seat, and my pants down before I suffered explosive decompression of my rear main seal.”
    Jango stood silently, entranced by her ability to describe the act of shitting so poetically. He also made a mental note to remember the terms “ass-gasket” and “explosive decompression of the rear main seal”.
    He nodded vigorously in encouragement. He wanted her to continue her tale, and he couldn’t help but notice that her toilet story closely resembled his own experiences in the restroom here.
    Sonja looked up to see if Jango had actually been listening, or if he had zoned out. She seemed surprised to see the look of gentle encouragement and interest on his face.
    She continued her story, “So when I finished up shi….uhh, what I was doing, I had just started washing my hands when I heard this awful, high pitched wail from outside the bathroom. I swear the sound almost made me piss myself.”
    He completely empathized with her feelings about the noises the goobers made. It made him feel like running away and hiding every time he heard them.
    Sonja kept going . “I didn’t hear the noise for a few minutes, and I didn’t want to be trapped in the shitter forever with only my stink to keep me company, so I unlocked the door, and peeked out. There wasn’t anything there, nothing at all, so I came out really slowly, and turned to go back up