A 52-Hertz Whale by Bill Sommer Read Free Book Online

like some sort of snake charmer? Unbelievable. IMO (the Whale Rider marathon set me back and I’m only at the I’s in the Urban Dictionary), Corinne might have been your Pai.
    Didn’t you know how lucky you were?
    As for Sophia and me, it’s not what you might think. Girls aren’t into me.
    Yesterday, Sam sat down next to me at lunch wanting to talk. At first, I was psyched (Urban Dictionary, 2012). Sam asked me if I’d watched the latest season of Whale Wars on Animal Planet. Vintage Sam comment. I was pretty excited. I told him that, in my next life, I wanted to come back as conservationist (and Enemy #1 of Japanese whale poachers) Paul Watson. Then he said something about how I should do an internship on the Sea Shepherd someday. I said that I would have to get James Bond training somewhere first to learn how to fly a helicopter to do reconnaissance on the Japanese whale hunters like they do on Whale Wars . Sam nodded but his eyes were watching something over my head. And just like that, it was over. He said that he had to go, but first asked if I could put in a “good word” for him with Sophia Lucca since I’m her neighbor.
    Sam’s request was based on the assumption that I talk to Sophia on a regular basis. What he doesn’t know and I wasn’t about to tell him is that I probably talk to Mrs. D’Angelo more than to Sophia. Needless to say, I haven’t had the chance to say anything to Sophia about Sam. But he is the kind of guy she would like. He’s smart (especially with regards to arachnids—the kid can tell a giant house spider from a hobo spider a mile away) and he can pull off the whole Justin Bieber look thanks to his poker-straight hair. Plus, he looks legit (Urban Dictionary, 2012) in a soccer uniform and he knows a couple of cool magic tricks with a deck of cards.
    Me? I like whales more than people 99 percent of the time, and I have this annoying cowlick that causes this one crazy curl to fall over my left eye (which, don’t be fooled, does not make me look anything like Justin Bieber). Someday, I will do something important like discover that whale urine cures cancer, thereby saving an entire species. But right now, I am a fourteen-year-old guy whose life would make the world’s most boring reality show.
    Sincerely,
    James Turner
    From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: October 2, 2012 at 5:43 PM
Subject: Help!
    Hi Ladies—
    Okay, I need some advice. I’ve gone on a couple of dates with this guy, Albert Stevens, and I’ve been kind of embarrassed to talk about it in group. Stats: 45 years old, never married, no kids, dentist, medium build, dark complexion, slightly balding, bad teeth, good cheekbones, beautiful eyes with lashes as long as a fawn’s. The thing is that I think I might like him.
    He cultivates roses, does the Sunday crossword, and enjoys a good pinot noir. But I feel guilty like I need to go to confession or something. I still love my Peter. I do. And really, I’ll never stop loving him. We would have been married 20 years this December. It’s awkward after being with the same man all this time. I don’t know how to do this dating thing; I’ve been out of the game so long. I mean, my fourteen-year-old daughter should be the one going out, not me, right?
    Help!
    Arianna Lucca
    From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: October 2, 2012 at 6:03 PM
Subject: RE: Help!
    Um, seems like you’re kind of “fishin’ for permission” here, Arianna, and I’m just not sure if I can give any. Just being honest. Your little girl is fourteen and she has no dad but does have 8 million hormones raging at any given moment. I just don’t think it’s the time. This guy doesn’t exactly seem like Paul Newman, no offense, so instead of introducing this stress into your little girl’s life, why not hold off until she’s getting ready to