A Croc Called Capone by Barry Jonsberg Read Free Book Online

He gave us his name – Brendan – and rattled off the specials, none of which involved horses, scabby or otherwise. Then he wrote down what we wanted and left. Ten out of ten for efficiency. Zero out of ten for interest.
    But then I noticed Rose and Cy.
    They were tugging at their tops and sweating. At first I put it down to the heat. It wasn’t particularly hot here. Probably around thirty degrees, which was cooler than home this time of the year. But it was humid.
    Rose excused herself and headed for the bathroom.
    When she returned, I did a double-take. Instinctively, I checked to see if there was a full moon. Her lips were smeared with blood. My blood ran cold. I could see the scene in my head: Rose entering the Ladies, an unsuspecting woman bending over the washbasin, Rose sneaking up behind, a flash of sharp canines and a piercing scream as a fountain of blood gushed from a severed artery.
    Then the penny dropped.
    Lipstick.
    And not just lipstick. She’d smeared her face with a heavy layer of make-up. Put a baboon’s bum next to Rose’s face and you’d have identical twins. Our table fell silent. Stunned, I guess. Cy Ob Han recovered first. She flashed my sister a decidedly unfriendly look. Then she headed off to the bathroom and returned looking like someone had applied primary colours to her face with a malfunctioning spraygun. Mum’s jaw hit the table with a clunk. Dad choked on his water. Rose and Cy glared at each other and bristled.
    I am not without skills of detection. I watch Crime Investigation programs on cable. Something was going on.
    Another penny dropped. It was raining Pom currency.
    The waiter.
    He was about eighteen or nineteen. Now what makes a guy attractive to girls is a mystery to me, and I am happy for it to stay that way. But, judging by Brendan’s appearance, having ears like windsocks and over-gelled hair in spikes is apparently no disadvantage. To me, he looked like a cross between Dumbo and an echidna, but to Rose and Cy he was clearly a chick magnet. I wouldn’t have been surprised to see them leave their chairs, fly through the air and stick to him with a dull clunk.
    When he returned with our food, the girls smiled and sat up as if they had broom handles strapped to their spines. They were almost as scary as our giant serial killer.
    â€˜Thank you sooo much, Brendan,’ trilled Rose, giving him the full force of her flashing teeth. Her grin threatened to split her face in two. He smiled back and Cy’s face went in the opposite direction. She looked as though she was chewing cat poo.
    â€˜ Maaahvellous , Brendan,’ gushed Cy when he put a plate of something ghastly in front of her. It had yellow peppers and enough salad leaves to make a strong man gag. She had found her smile again and wasn’t afraid to use it. ‘Do you work here full-time, or is this just a temporary job? You know, while you backpack around Australia? And would you like to marry me and have four children?’
    Okay. She didn’t actually say that last sentence. But it’s what she meant.
    â€˜No,’ replied Brendan. ‘I’m the owner’s son. I wait tables, do a bit of maintenance, tour guiding, odd jobs.’
    â€˜How interesting ,’ burbled Rose who seemed annoyed she hadn’t thought to ask the same questions as Cy. ‘What tours do you guide?’
    â€˜Actually, there’s one tomorrow. A crocodile cruise. Meet up at reception at ten, if you want to come along.’
    â€˜I’ll be there,’ said Rose and Cy in unison. When Brendan turned away to serve another table, they glared at each other. They bristled. I swear, if they bristled any more, they’d turn into paintbrushes. I almost expected Cy to whip out her light sabre. Rose would have been in trouble then.
    Girls! If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. A waste of space.
    All of this went straight over Dyl’s head. He was