A Fairy Tale of New York by J. P. Donleavy Read Free Book Online Page A

thumbs rubbing up and down on his curled index fingers. He's ready to bark my head off, fire me, and hand me my wife's funeral bill. As I stand here soaking up the warmth thoroughly delighted. For the first time to have a job. In this new land of hair and perhaps prick raising opportunity.
    "Ok. Don't let it happen again. I'm sorry if I seem angry but we're short handed. Fritz now has double pneumonia. And my short wave says there's someone ready to jump down on Fifth and Fiftieth. If the snow stays and gets any deeper they'll be a lot more. They go out the windows like pop corn off a red hot pan. Happens everytime there's a blizzard."
    "I do apologise Mr Vine. It won't happen again.''
    "Ok then, on the ball now. Two reposings, Miss Musk is taking care of suite two the Brennan family. I need your sense of protocol in suite four. The Sourpusses. It's nothing to worry about. Cortege be ready to move in half an hour. To Greenlawn. Interment in a mausoleum. Think you can handle it.''
    "I think so."
    "Charlie the driver will know what to do at the cemetery. Now take off your overcoat. Wipe your shoes, comb your hair. Just go in quietly. On the right inside the door is the temperature control, if it's o k make believe you're adjusting it anyway. Gives people a feeling things are being looked after. Mrs Sourpuss, you can't miss her, the blond, introduce yourself as my assistant. The deceased was a wholesaler in ladies garments in a big way. Just keep an eye on things. No one's getting their feet wet with the tears. I'll see to the flowers. You ride with Charlie and the casket."
    A blond in black. Saw her passing in the hall the other day. Sitting reading a fashion magazine open across her lap. Two gentlemen standing each at a corner of the room. And this one near me inside the door looking me up and down. An older woman kneeling at the coffin, head bent. The deceased in a blue business suit. Saw him on the slab when I fainted. Looks twenty years younger now. Wearing eyeglasses and good lord an old Etonian tie. Stand here. Check the thermostat. Excuse me sir. Whoops. A degree too low. And the green light is just a shade too bright. Music sounds like a slowed down Polish polka. Just another step forward. The wife must have been half his age. Carrying a lot of gold embellishments on both her wrists. And an acorn sized diamond on her finger. Am I allowed to sit. Better not. Wow what legs she's got. Black gleaming stockings in the emerald light. Introduce myself.
    "Excuse me. I'm a Mr Christian, Mr Vine's assistant. Is everything all right. Is there anything I can do.''
    "Well. Yes. Would you mind getting me a pack of Kools."
    ''I beg your pardon."
    "Kools."
    "What's that"
    "What's that"
    "Cigarettes."
    "O. Of course."
    "Just put them on the bill."
    Christian trotting down the street. In a previous pair of footsteps. Past a grimy statue of a cigar store Indian shading his eyes as he looks out under the trellises and girders criss-crossed darkly against the still falling snow. Shout Kools to the man over the crashing rumble of an elevated train and he hands across a pack. Says mentholated. With a free book of matches. In Europe they make you pay. Man thinks I'm nuts running around without a coat. At the moment I'm feeling good. With this snow cleansed air and a fresh change of people. Some with fantastic legs. Gives one a hope. That I could be good if not stunning at this job. Even show Vine a thing or two about pomp and ritzy circumstance if I had the right choice of socially elite people. Have my own band of Viennese musicians. And maybe two guys with spears and armour standing guard at the entrance. With a funeral parlor eight floors down into the foundations. And only an hour ago I was nearly a pervert. And a cocksucking mortician spreading pestilence.
    "Madam."
    "Thank you. Aren't you a very sweet young man. Thank you so much."
    "Glad to be of any service madam.''
    "I'm Mrs Sourpuss. I suppose you read all about it in the