A Game of Groans: A Sonnet of Slush and Soot by George R.R. Washington Alan Goldsher Read Free Book Online Page B

Shecky.”
    “How can they deny you? You look just like the Not-Kingslayer,” Juan noted, pointing at Tritone’s blond hair.
    “Gods forbid.” Tritone winced. “Jagweed’s so ugly, it looks like he fell out of an ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. He’s so ugly that when he was born, our mother slapped the doctor. He’s so ugly that calling him ugly is an insult to ugly people.”
    Juan looked toward the castle. “I don’t know. He seems attractive enough to me.”
    “You think he’s handsome? Well, I don’t swing that way, but that’s cool. I’ll put in a good word for you if you want, but he’s already spoken for. And you don’t want to mess with his significant other. She’s nuttier than he is. And just as ugly. Similarly ugly, for that matter.”
    As Fourshadow let loose with a growl, Juan gave the giant a cockeyed grin. “You amuse me, japemeister.”
    Tritone patted himself on the back and said, “That’s why they pay me the big bucks, Shecky.” He pulled a leather pouch from his back pocket and thrust it at Juan. “Want a snort? We’ll get ripped and talk about the joys of jerkoffdom.”
    Feeling completely accepted for the first time in a long time, Juan took the pouch, took a guzzle, and burbled, “Nothing would make me happier.”

GATEWAY
    Eyes closed, lips parted, and chest heaving, Lady Gateway Barker moaned, “That’s it. That’s it. Right there. Wait, slow down, slow down.”
    Headcase adjusted his rhythm, then sighed, “I don’t know what to tell Bobbert. Should I, or shouldn’t I?”
    Digging her fingernails into her husband’s shoulder, Gateway breathed, “You should, lover. Do it. Do it! ”
    “Just like that?” he asked. “Leave my family behind? Leave my kingdom behind? I’m the Lord of House Barker. I can’t just get up and go.”
    Gateway wrapped her legs around Head and groaned, “If you speed it up, I can get up and come .”
    Head mindlessly grinded faster, then explained, “If I become the King’s Foot, our life as we know it will be done.”
    “If you lean to the left and pick it up,” Gateway ordered, “this act as we know it will be done.”
    Noticing his wife’s frustration, Head said, “Apologies,” then made love to his wife the way a good Lord should.
    That went on for a solid three seconds until the door burst open and an elderly white-bearded man stuck his head into the room. Without preamble, he uttered, “M’Lord, m’Lady, I…”
    In unison, Head and Gateway yelled, “Go away!”
    The door opened wider, and the man stepped farther into the room. Cupping his ear, he called, “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that. Repeat, please?”
    Gateway shoved her husband off of her naked body and onto the floor, covered herself with a sheet, and roared at Head, “I thought you were going to put my purple scrunchie on the door when we’re busy!”
    Maester Blaester, the white-bearded gentleman who had been Headcase’s trusty assistant for the past two Summers, said, “I thought so too, m’Lord.”
    Unconcerned about his unclothed tumescence, Head said, “Forgot. Distracted with this Foot business. What do you need, Blaester?”
    Blaester looked up at the ceiling and asked, “Would m’Lord like to cover himself?”
    Head gave Blaester a dismissive wave and explained, “We’re all friends here. What brings you to our marital room?”
    Still staring at the ceiling, Blaester handed Head a small square package. “This was delivered to you. By a raven .”
    Gateway stood up, pulled the bedsheet around her chest, and sneered, “ Ooooooh, a ravengram . Nothing’s more important than a ravengram . Nothing takes precedence over a ravengram .” She got down on her hands and knees and peered under the bed, then queried her husband, “You seen my stash, Head?”
    Ignoring Lady Barker, Head took the package from Blaester and carefully removed the covering paper, then opened the box. Inside the box was a smaller box. Inside the smaller box