A Game of Groans: A Sonnet of Slush and Soot by George R.R. Washington Alan Goldsher Read Free Book Online

leg of wolf with a citrus coulis, a thick stew with some red chunks that Juan could not readily identify, onion soup, onion tarts, onion juice, onion steaks, and whole onions swimming in an onion puree.
    One by one, House Barker’s important characters walked the dining room’s red carpet, where they were accosted by a slender, red-haired, loud woman who shoved a long stick in each of their faces and asked them odd questions like “Who are you wearing?” and “Can you tell me about your latest project?” This both confused and bored Juan to no end, so he decided to relocate.
    When he repositioned himself at the front of the castle, he got a gander at Sur Jagweed Sinister, and he could not look away, as Jagweed was an Easterrabbitian legend, at once revered and feared by the continent’s denizens. Over the last several Summers, Jagweed had attempted to assassinate dozens of rulers, including King Rychard DeThyrd, King Hynry DeEighth, King Solomon DeOnly, King Kong DeGrylla, King Jarry Lawlyr, King Byskit Flowyrhour, Burgyr Kyng, and Gnat King Cohl. Jagweed’s plan of attack was nothing if not brave: Storm the castle all by himself, unsheath his oddly bent sword, and take down everybody in his path until he got to the throne, where he would mercilessly mutilate the ruler and endeavor to take over the region in the name of the family Sinister.
    Attempt after attempt failed spectacularly, as a wobbly sword constructed from anything other than Corinthian leather made for a useless weapon. His attacks were so feeble that, upon seeing Jagweed, the Kings who were under fire inevitably went on a laughing jag that led to them choking on an onion, which led to them dying without the benefit of Jagweed’s sword. This earned Sur Jagweed the moniker of the “Not-Kingslayer.”
    After Jagweed tripped over the House Barker threshold, he was accosted by the red-haired loudmouth, who asked the Not-Kingslayer, “Jagweed Sinister, what was it like to work with Martyn Skursaysay?”
    Again perplexed and fed up with the proceedings, Juan called over Fourshadow. The direpanda, who, in a mere three days, had grown to the size of a pony, staggered to his master. Juan gawked at his pet’s face and asked, “ Santo mierda bolas, 4 Fourshadow, what have you gotten yourself into?” He kneeled down and stared at the area around the animal’s mouth, which was covered with some sort of pinkish/purplish stain. Foreshadow gave Juan a huge lick on his face, and the jerkoff immediately discerned the source of the discoloration. “Your breath smells like a distillery. Where in the name of Dios 5 did you get the grog, Fourshadow?”
    Fourshadow belched, gave Juan another lick, then collapsed to the muddy Earth, where he promptly fell asleep. Juan scanned the area, concerned that Fourshadow’s loud snoring would alert somebody to their presence.
    Sure enough, Juan heard a man call from the not-too-distant distance: “Who dares to intrude upon this feast of feasts? I bet it’s some jerkoff!”
    Recognizing the voice, Juan smiled and said, “I’m not just some jerkoff. I’m el más grande más enorme, apestosa 6 jerkoff!”
    Approaching Juan, the man joked, “You sure are, Juan Nieve. You sure are.” And then the two embraced.
    “Sinjean Barker,” Juan exclaimed, “my uncle from another mother.”
    “That I am, Juan Nieve. That I am. So, as usual, you’re on the outside looking in, I see. That’s unfortunate. You want me to put together a doggie bag for you?”
    Rubbing his stomach, Juan admitted, “That red, chunky stew looks mighty interesting. Do you know what it is?”
    “Venison with red onions,” Sin explained.
    “Exactly what my stomach is calling for,” he rejoiced. “A heaping serving, por favor . 7 And the more, the merrier. I need my strength.”
    “What for?” Sin asked.
    Pointing to the North, Juan exclaimed, “I must protect the Wall!”
    Sin pointed to the South and explained, “I believe the Wall is that