A Life Worth Fighting by Brenda Kennedy Read Free Book Online Page B

but there is just something about a baby kicking in utero.
    “Do you want to feel him?”
    I nod and gently place my hand where she says he is kicking. After only a few moments, he kicks and my heart stops.
    “That is amazing,” I admit. “I loved it when Jamie would kick me.”
    No one mentions Robert’s black eye and I am grateful.
    Adam stands and preaches today’s sermon: “A New Life Brings New Meaning . ” We listen intently to the sermon and Robert holds my hand continually. Sometimes he’ll squeeze my hand and I have to smile. We both want a baby so much and the sermon today brings us hope. After the service, we stay and eat. The church offers a potluck once a month, and we always try to participate in it.
    Chapter Two: Two Months Later
    Robert
    “Is it one blue line or two?” I ask, not looking at the stick.
    “I don’t know, and I’m scared to look,” Leah says, laughing.
    We are in the bathroom trying to determine whether Leah is pregnant or not. “One of us is going to have to look.” I look down to watch her. She is still on the toilet, holding another pee stick.
    She says, “If it’s one blue line, I’m peeing again and I’ll keep on peeing until we get two blue lines.”
    I laugh as I get a visual of my wife peeing on a stick until it alerts us that she is, in fact, pregnant.
    I say, “On the count of three…”
    “You’ll look,” she interrupts.
    “No, I was thinking on the count of three, we’ll both look.”
    “That’s what I meant to say,” she lies.
    “Sure you did. Are you ready?”
    She smiles with her eyes closed and says, “One…”
    I say, “Two…”
    And we both say, “Three…”
    I look at the stick, and then I look at Leah, who still has her eyes pinched shut. “I thought we were looking at it together?”
    “Robert, I can’t look. What is it? Is it two blue lines or do I need to pee on another one of these things?”
    “You better drink some more water,” I say as I kneel down beside her and wait for her to open her eyes.
    “I was hoping we were pregnant.” She looks sad as she looks at the pregnancy stick. “Robert?”
    “Yes, Leah?”
    “Is that two blue lines on that stick?”
    “It is.” I smile, and I just want to pick up my wife and swing her around the room in excitement.
    “We’re pregnant?”
    “We are.”
    “We’re really pregnant,” she says in disbelief.
    “I know.” I lean over and kiss her. Her cheeks are wet from tears, and I can feel her shaking beneath my hug. “I love you.”
    “I love you, too.” She picks up the used stick and holds it close to her heart. “We’re really pregnant.”
    “We are, and I couldn’t be happier.”
    After my return home, Leah and I decided that we wanted to try right away to have another baby. We aren’t attempting to replace Jamie, but we always wanted a big family. I think we gave up that idea, but we do want another child. We loved Jamie so much, and we miss her terribly. I know we both have unspoken fears that we’ll always carry with us, but we also have so much love to give a child, our child. Our home is quiet and lonely; I would love to fill the rooms with laughter and love again.
    “Leave so I can get up. I want to see how far along we are,” Leah says, sternly.
    I laugh at my wife's modesty. “Leah, we’re married and I have seen you naked.”
    “I know, but I need to wipe so I can get up, so go — now.”
    “Okay, I’m leaving.”
    I wait for her in the bedroom where her laptop is. I am excited and scared at the same time. I loved being a father more than anything. My demons haunt me, but I don’t share them with Leah. She doesn’t need to know what they are. I still blame myself for Jamie’s death although it wasn’t my fault. I was her father, and I should have been able to protect her, to keep her safe. I didn’t, and I failed my daughter and I failed my wife. She stops at her dresser and pulls out her pocket planner, then sits beside me on the bed with her