A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Ersatz Elevator by Lemony Snicket Read Free Book Online

with salmon, of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, and liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you are not going to enjoy your meal. And so it was that evening with the Baudelaire orphans. Their costumed waiter first brought bowls of creamy salmon soup to the table, and then some chilled salmon salad and then some broiled salmon served with salmon ravioli in a salmon butter sauce for a main course, and by the time the waiter brought over salmon pie with a scoop of salmon ice cream on top the children never wanted to have another bite of salmon again. But even if the meal had featured a variety of foods, all cooked deliciously and brought by a waiter dressed in a simple, comfortable outfit, the Baudelaires would not have enjoyed their dinner, because the thought of Gunther spending the evening alone with their guardian made them lose their appetite far more than too much pink, flavorful fish, and Jerome was simply not willing to discuss the matter any further. "I am simply not willing to discuss the matter any further," Jerome said, taking a sip from his water glass, which had chunks of frozen salmon floating in it instead of ice cubes. "And frankly, Baudelaires, I think you should be a little ashamed of your suspicions. Do you know what the word 'xenophobe' means?" Violet and Sunny shook their heads, and looked over at their brother, who was trying to remember if he had come across the word in one of his books. "When a word ends in '-phobe,'" Klaus said, wiping his mouth with a salmon-shaped napkin, "it usually means somebody who is afraid of something. Does 'xeno' mean 'Olaf'?" "No," Jerome said. "It means 'stranger,' or 'foreigner.' A xenophobe is somebody who is afraid of people just because they come from a different country, which is a silly reason for fear. I would have thought that you three would be far too sensible to be xenophobes. After all, Violet, Galileo came from a country in Europe, and he invented the telescope. Would you be afraid of him?" "No," Violet said. "I'd be honored to meet him. But--" "And Klaus," Jerome continued, "surely you've heard of the writer Junichiro Tanizaki, who came from a country in Asia. Would you be afraid of him?" "Of course not," Klaus said. "But--" "And Sunny," Jerome continued. "The sharp-toothed mountain lion can be found in a number of countries in North America. Would you be afraid if you met a mountain lion?" "Netesh," Sunny said, which meant something like "Of course I would! Mountain lions are wild animals," but Jerome continued talking as if he hadn't heard a word she said. "I don't mean to scold you," he said. "I know you've had a very difficult time since your parents' death, and Esme and I want to do all we can to provide a good, safe home for you. I don't think Count Olaf would dare come to our fancy neighborhood, but in case he does, the doorman will spot him and alert the authorities immediately." "But the doorman didn't spot him," Violet insisted. "He was in disguise." "And Olaf would dare to go anywhere to find us," Klaus added. "It doesn't matter how fancy the neighborhood is." Jerome looked uncomfortably at the children. "Please don't argue with me," he said. "I can't stand arguing." "But sometimes it's useful and necessary to argue," Violet said. "I can't think of a single argument that would be useful or necessary," Jerome said. "For instance, Esme made reservations for us here at Cafe Salmonella, and I can't stand the taste of salmon. I could have argued with her about that, of course, but why would it be useful?" "Well, you could have had a dinner that you enjoyed," Klaus said. Jerome shook his head. "Someday, when you're older, you'll understand," he said. "In the meantime, do you remember which salmon is our waiter? It's close to your bedtime, and I'd like to pay the bill and take you home." The Baudelaire orphans looked at one another in frustration and sadness. They were frustrated from trying to convince Jerome of Gunther's true