A Wild Ride Through The Night by Walter Moers Read Free Book Online Page B

dream consultancy as long as he fulfils certain conditions. First you’ve got to
die
. That’s the most important qualification for the job.’
    ‘Just a minute!’ Gustave exclaimed. ‘Does that mean you’re dead?’
    ‘Dead as a doornail, otherwise we wouldn’t be talking together now. I died … let’s see … two hundred and seventy-three years ago. We’re related, by the way. I’m your great-great-great-grandmother— on your father’s side.’
    Gustave opened his mouth to speak, but the old woman got in first.
    ‘I died at the age of ninety-nine, after a long and fulfilled life. That’s the second basic precondition for a career in dream consultancy: you must have a
fulfilled
life behind you. People with unsatisfying lives tend to be unstable characters, which renders them unfitted for our profession.’
    Gustave nodded.
    ‘Enjoy a life of fulfilment and then switch to dream consultancy. That’s the only way to escape Death and his soul-coffins.’
    ‘You know about the soul-coffins?’
    The old woman grinned.
    ‘
No sun, no life; no life, no souls; no souls, no sun—that’s the everlasting cycle of the univ …
’ She clapped a hand over her mouth in mock horror. ‘Whoops! I almost gave away one of the great mysteries of the universe!’ She laughed.
    ‘How can you tell whether someone has led a fulfilled life?’ asked Gustave. He had never taken part in such an absurd conversation, but he was beginning to enjoy it.
    ‘Hard to say. You can’t tell until the end. It’s got nothing to do with longevity or success or satisfaction or the like. You look back on your life and see it lying ahead of you—or behind you, as the case may be.’
    She giggled.
    ‘I can’t tell you
what
indicates whether a life was fulfilled or not, only that it’s possible to see it. Even godforsaken Death can see it. Then he takes his soul-coffin, the stupid bag of bones, and pushes off.’
    Pancho cleared his throat. ‘Are you going to be much longer, the pair of you? I mean, we’ve still got a few tasks to perform, and—’
    ‘True,’ said Gustave. The conversation had become more interesting than he’d originally thought, and he would have liked to question the old lady further, because he still couldn’t decide whether she was really deranged or simply teasing him in a subtle way. But Pancho was right, they had more important things to do.
    ‘We must ride on.’
    ‘I know,’ said the old woman.
    ‘One last question,’ Gustave called over his shoulder when they were trotting along the dried-up river bed once more. ‘If you really have lost your way in my dreams, how will you manage to get out again?’
    The old lady laughed, and he saw for the first time that all her teeth were of glittering gold.
    ‘I’ll do like the information desk in the department store: I’ll wait until closing time.’
    ‘How do you mean?’
    ‘I’ll wait till you wake up,’ she said.
    She smoothed her robe down, adjusted her crown, and re assumed her blank expression. The owl emitted a few scornful cries, but by that time Gustave and Pancho were beyond the next bend and well out of sight.

‘ IF YOU ASK me,’ said Pancho, as they rode on along the dried-up river bed with a dense canopy of branches overhead, ‘the old dear had a screw loose. Did you understand all that stuff about the rabbit and the ducks?’
    ‘Nobody
did
ask you,’ Gustave retorted, but he continued to ponder the question. No, to be honest, the bit about the rabbit and the ducks had defeated him too.
    ‘We ought to concentrate on your tasks now,’ said Pancho. ‘I’m as anxious to get out of this godforsaken forest as you are.’
    ‘We have to make ourselves conspicuous,’ Gustave remembered.
    ‘Meaning what?’
    ‘We have to draw attention to ourselves in the Forest of Evil Spirits—that’s part of the task.’
    ‘In that case,’ said the horse, ‘I suggest we sing. Sensitive souls find music considerably more of a pain than is