All That I Need (Secret Desires) by Ava Catori Read Free Book Online

anymore?”
    “There’s so much pressure,” he looked down, not wanting to make eye contact. “With magazines, videos, there’s no pressure to perform. I can just get lost in the fantasy. I know you don’t understand this, but it’s not about you. I need release, and…I haven’t been able to satisfy you. There’s nothing worse, knowing that I can’t perform for my wife. How do you think that makes me feel? At least this way, I can still release some tension.”
    “It’s the other women,” I sobbed, “they’re prettier. You want sex with them.” I couldn’t stop crying. “See, you’re fantasizing,” I could barely get the words out.
    “I want sex with you, but anytime we start to go there, nothing happens, and I don’t want you to see me that way.” The look on his face was a mixture of pain and embarrassment, and yet his voice spoke of anger.
    “So instead, you turn away, and let me feel unwanted and unloved? Do you love me?” I couldn’t stop this train I was on. I felt overwhelmed with grief, and thinking I was a piece of the problem. Maybe if I was pretty, sexier, maybe then he’d be able to get hard.
    “I do love you,” he snapped. “How can you even question that?”
    The pain was too much to handle. “Because you won’t touch me, like I have some weird disease, you stay as far away from me as possible.” My voice came down a notch, and I whispered, “You won’t touch me.” It was on the table, no denying those words, and he knew they were true.
    “I want to, I so desperately want to, but I can’t. Do you know what it’s like to be a guy, and to have your masculinity stripped away? It’s killing me inside.”
    “Well, you can obviously get it up for your paper dolls and your video vixens, just not for me.” That was uncalled for, I knew it was, but it was too late, I crossed the line. I was hurt, angry, confused, and lost. I wanted him to want me, to touch me, to make love to me – and yet instead he was getting off to his magazines and videos. I didn’t know how to process that information.
    I got up and walked away. I couldn’t handle this anymore. It hurt too badly to keep staring at the obvious. He was having sex, masturbating, but when it came to his wife, he was hands off.
    “Kate, wait,” he called out.
    Turning to look at him, I didn’t know what to say. “Why, so you can lie to me, and tell me how much you want me?”
    “That’s not fair,” he answered.
    “What’s not fair is that I keep hoping you’ll want to make love to me, and then I find out you’re still having sex, just not with me.”
    “It’s not like I’m cheating on you, I’m not out having an affair. I’m faithful, and you act like I’m doing something wrong. There’s nothing wrong with masturbating. Don’t tell me you don’t do it.”
    “Of course I do, it’s not like my husband touches me anymore,” I screamed. My anger was hot, my nostrils flared.
    Austin stared at me. The silence was deafening. It happened so fast, and as he pressed me to the wall, pushing his body against mine, I closed my eyes and accepted his advances. 
    His kiss was strong and passionate; it had been so long since he’d kissed me this way. I wanted to push him away in my angst, but I didn’t. I couldn’t, it felt so good to feel him against me. His lips on mine, our tongues explored one another again. Austin’s hands gripped me tightly, pulling me into him. Groping my back, and sliding down to my bottom, his hands squeezed me as we continued to kiss.
    His kiss, his sweet kisses, how I missed these moments of passion. Even out of anger, I was hungry for more. We let too much time slip by, had too many excuses, and didn’t try. I knew he was having problems, but we could have tried more – still engaged in other sexual activities, but instead we both shut down accepting defeat. Why hadn’t I pushed harder?
    It all happened so fast, and as his hands came around tugging at my pants, I dropped them in the