Amok and Other Stories by Stefan Zweig Read Free Book Online

narrow lips. And that smile intoxicated me again, because … well, because I knew it was a lie born of art or artifice, a masterpiece of deception. Today is Wednesday, I thought,on Saturday the ship with her husband on board will arrive … how can she smile like that, so … so confidently, with such a carefree look, casually playing with the fan she holds instead of crushing it in her fear? I … I, a stranger, had been trembling for two days at the thought of this moment … Strange to her as I was, I experienced her fear and horror intensely … and she herself went to this ball and smiled, smiled, smiled …
    Music started to play at the back of the hall. The dancing began. An elderly officer had asked her to dance; she left the chattering circle with a word of excuse and walked on his arm towards the other hall and past me. When she saw me her face suddenly froze—but only for a second, and then, before I could make up my mind whether or not to greet her, she gave me a civil nod of recognition, as she would to a chance acquaintance, said, ‘Good evening, doctor,’ and was gone. No one could have guessed what that grey-green glance concealed; I didn’t know myself. Why did she speak to me … why did she suddenly acknowledge me? Was it rejection, was it a rapprochement , was it just the embarrassment of surprise? I can’t describe the agitation into which I was cast; everything was in turmoil, explosively concentrated within me, and as I saw her like that—casually waltzing in the officer’s arms, with such a cool, carefree look on her brow, while I knew that she … that she, like me, was thinking of only one thing … that we two alone, out of everyone here, had a terrible secret in common … and she was waltzing … well, in those few seconds my fear, my longing and my admiration became more passionate than ever. I don’t know if anyone was watching me, butcertainly my conduct gave away no more than hers—I just could not look in any other direction, I had to … I absolutely had to look at her from a distance, my eyes fastening on her closed face to see if the mask would not drop for a second. She must have found the force of my gaze uncomfortable. As she moved away on her dancing partner’s arm, she glanced my way for a split second with imperious sharpness, as if repelling me; once again that little frown of haughty anger, the one I knew already, disfigured her brow.
    But … but, as I told you, I was running amok; I looked neither to right nor to left. I understood her at once—her glance said: don’t attract attention! Control yourself! I knew that she … how can I put it? … that she expected me to behave discreetly here in the hall, in public. I realised that if I went home at this point, I could be certain she would see me in the morning … that all she wanted to avoid just now was being exposed to my obvious familiarity with her, I knew she feared—and rightly—that my clumsiness would cause a scene. You see, I knew everything, I understood that imperious grey gaze, but … but my feelings were too strong, I had to speak to her. So I moved unsteadily over to the group where she stood talking, joined its loose-knit circle although I knew only a few of the people in it, merely in the hope of hearing her speak, yet always flinching from her eyes timidly, like a whipped dog, when they coldly rested on me as if I were one of the linen curtains hanging behind me, or the air that lightly moved it. But I stood there thirsty for a word spoken to me, for a sign of our understanding, I stood like a block, gazing at her amidst all the chatter. It cannothave passed unnoticed, for no one addressed a word to me, and she had to suffer my ridiculous presence.
    I don’t know how long I would have stood there … for ever, perhaps … I could not leave that enchantment of my own volition. The very force of my frenzy crippled me. But she could not bear it any more … she suddenly turned to the gentlemen, with