An Available Man by Hilma Wolitzer Read Free Book Online

plucked from their own heads. It was during these sessions that Nick first let down his guard and began to communicate with Edward. Julie, he remembered, had freaked out at the magnification of her split ends.
    After the kids grew up and moved out, Bee offered Edward the use of one of their bedrooms as his lab, but he preferred the quiet and seclusion of the basement. “It’s more peaceful down there,” he’d told her. “It’s spookier, too,” she said. “I just hope some guy with a bolt through his neck doesn’t come thumping up the stairs one day.” But it was always only Edward, rubbing his eyes, looking for her company, for a drink or a cup of coffee.
    One Sunday night a few weeks after the bereavement group meeting, he went down to the basement after supper, hoping he could lose himself in work for a little while. The dog whimpered at the top of the stairs, which he couldn’t manage anymore. Edwardcontemplated carrying him down, and then decided he’d think better on his own. He’d started an experiment just before Bee became ill, involving the growth of bacteria on a kitchen sponge. Although he’d lost track of the whole project, he saw that his samples had been preserved, and that his notes were still on the table.
    But he couldn’t concentrate. Bingo had stopped whimpering, but his toenails clicked as he paced the kitchen, waiting for Edward’s return. And the house creaked and settled, like light, hesitant human footsteps above him, making him look upward for a moment. If only he believed in ghosts, or an afterlife, or anything besides the scientific evidence of decomposition. Despite the fears she’d expressed, Bee had chosen burial over cremation. “I don’t want you to be stuck with my ashes,” she’d told him, as if she were referring to a perpetual bad blind date. “And I don’t want to be scattered all over the place, either. It sounds so … restless.”
    Now Edward lay down on the studio bed and closed his eyes. Why had he always associated silence with this part,
his
part, of the house? He’d turned on the dishwasher earlier, and water still gurgled through the pipes. The furnace kicked in and roared. And that subtle creaking continued from time to time. It was enough to wake the dead, he thought, and sat up in shock.
    He took a package of cotton batting from the cabinet and tore off a couple of pieces. He rolled them into pellets and put them into his ears, pressing until he couldn’t hear anything, not even the tapping of his own fingers on the cabinet door. It was as if he’d gone totally deaf.
    Then he turned off the light switch on the wall near the steps. It was a cloudy, moonless night—the high, shallow windows appeared black—and the room was pitched into utter darkness. He had to grope his way back to the bed, and althoughhe’d thought he knew the place by heart, he stumbled against a corner of the long table. He could feel it tremble, and the petri dishes and flasks must have rattled. But he didn’t hear them any more than he heard the usual groan of the bedsprings as he lay down again.
    For decades, in a unit on the senses, he’d shown classrooms of kids how their pupils contracted in brightness, and enlarged in the absence of light. They learned the role of vitamin A in night vision, the way the molecules in the rods inside their eyes split and then recombined. And how, after several minutes, they could begin to make out shapes and even details of their environment in the dark.
    Now it was happening to him. There was the outline of the table, with its miniature skyline of test tubes and beakers. There were the skulking silhouettes of the furnace and the water heater, the dehumidifier in the shadowy distance. Edward pulled the folded blanket from the foot of the bed all the way up past his head, shutting his eyes once more, tighter this time.
    Darkness and silence. But also
consciousness
, glorious consciousness, of darkness and silence, and of his own metabolism: