Anger by May Sarton Read Free Book Online Page A

with the check. Why am I so attracted to him, Anna asked herself, observing his slightly flushed, closed face, the stern mouth, as he took his time to calculate the tip. She wanted to feel his cheekbones with her hand, and she realized that the warmth she had missed in his voice just now was inside her. It is very odd, she considered, but I have to admit that I am in love. The word, not uttered, but felt made her shiver. “It’s so mysterious,” she said aloud.
    â€œYes, it is,” he said, smiling at her now the waiter had left. “But like bats who are blind, we are told, we have radar. I’m aware of every hair on your head, Anna,” he whispered as he helped her on with her coat.
    And once they were in the car, he drove around the corner to a side street, drew up to the curb, and kissed her. It was a long, sensitive, wise kiss, an exploratory kiss of discovery with a passionate truth in it at the end. And when he let her go Anna leaned back in her seat.
    â€œYes,” she whispered, taking his hand in hers and holding it to her breast. “Yes, Ned.”

Chapter V
    All through that sleepless night the doubts flowed in. And by morning Anna was so busy writing a letter to Ned that she didn’t hear her mother come in with breakfast on a tray.
    â€œAre you all right, Anna?”
    â€œOh Mama,” Anna turned her head from side to side like an animal in a yoke, “he asked me to marry him, and I said yes … but it’s crazy. I’m not ready. I hardly know him.” The tears she had held back all night poured down her cheeks. Teresa brought her a Kleenex, hugged her, and whispered,
    â€œTake it easy. Write your letter. It’s not a tragedy, darling.”
    â€œIf I only knew,” Anna murmured, “Mama, it is like entering a foreign country, not knowing the language …” Then she laughed, “He only asked me to marry him because he was angry!”
    Teresa raised an eyebrow, “Well, drink your coffee. You’ve got to think this over, Anna. But from what I’ve seen lately you are certainly involved, if not in love.”
    â€œOh, I’m in love, Mama!” Then she added quite coldly, “It’s just that I can’t imagine the future. I can’t imagine what it will be like. I can’t imagine being Ned’s wife.”
    â€œDo you have to marry him?”
    â€œMama!”
    â€œAfter all, you told me yourself that you would have love affairs but would probably not marry.”
    â€œThat was five years ago, Mama, and you warned me that love affairs rarely last very long.” She turned then and faced her mother, “I want this to last.” Then she added very softly, “I want to feel safe.”
    â€œOh dear,” Teresa smiled, “marriage is not exactly safety, you must know that.”
    â€œI’m too old for a love affair.”
    â€œNonsense,” Teresa went to the door, “I’m going to leave you alone to sort yourself out.” But at the door she hesitated, smiled, reminded Anna that her father used to say “be as wise as the serpent and as gentle as the dove”.
    â€œImpossible … I’m a tigress. You tell me so yourself. And besides what did Father know about love?”
    Teresa gently closed the door.
    How empty the room felt after her mother had gone! Acute loneliness took her place. Anna swallowed the cup of coffee, then sat at her desk for a long time, rocking herself, her arms clasped around her, holding herself together. Then she wrote.
    â€œDear Ned, You have been thinking about me for a long time, but I have not been aware of you until a few days ago. You have made me feel more than I have for years. I look at your face and want to touch you. I look at your hands and want to hold them very hard and fast in mine. I look at your mouth …” here Anna stopped for a moment, dizzy with the longing for more of those kisses. Why hesitate? “