Anything But Love by Abigail Strom Read Free Book Online Page B

interested.”
    “Interested in what?”
    “In you. In who you are now.”
    “I don’t know who I am.”
    The words came out before she could censor them. Her face flushed and she turned away from Ben to look out the window.
    She grew more and more tense as she waited for him to say something. To ask what she meant. When he did ask a question, though, it wasn’t the one she’d expected.
    “Why did you and Tom get engaged?”
    Jessica looked back at him. “I thought you said we didn’t have to talk about that.”
    “We don’t have to. I just thought you might want to.” He paused. “But it’s up to you.”
    Her eyes searched his for a moment. Then she shrugged. “You won’t like the answer.”
    “Why not?”
    “Because you always want people to be brave. You want people to be honest. Don’t you?”
    “Sure. But I’m not an idiot, Jess. I know things get complicated. I know things aren’t always black-and-white.”
    She looked down at her hands. “I don’t think it would help to talk about it. I just want to put it behind me.”
    “You could do that. Or you could think of this trip as your chance to tell the truth without any repercussions. You can spend ten days telling me any damn thing you want, and it won’t matter. I’ll never say a word about it. Hell, once we get back to New York we probably won’t even see each other again. So what do you have to lose?”
    Maybe Ben was right. Would it really be so terrible to talk about it? She could get it out in the open, and then they could let it go for the rest of the trip.
    She shrugged. “Tom and I have been friends for years. I’ve known he was gay since high school, but he didn’t want anyone else to find out—especially his parents, who are really conservative. He was afraid it would affect his job, too. He’s a trader and he works in a hyper-alpha-male atmosphere. So he stayed in the closet, but he was sick of family and friends asking him who he was dating and when he was getting married. I was, too. So we decided to help each other out. That’s it.”
    He stared at her. “That’s it? But what about—well, everything? What if you fell in love with somebody? Or hell, what if you just wanted to date somebody?”
    She frowned. “If I answer that honestly, you won’t believe me.”
    “Try me anyway.”
    She took a deep breath. “It wasn’t an issue. I don’t want to date, and I don’t want to fall in love. I just want to be left alone.”
    She said those last words almost fiercely.
    “But if you want to be left alone, why not just be alone? Why marry someone you don’t love?”
    “Just be alone, huh? Do you really think it’s that easy?”
    “Well, yeah. Why isn’t it that easy?”
    “Because we can’t all be you, Ben. We’re not all rugged individualists. We can’t all thumb our noses at our families and people’s expectations. Believe it or not, I didn’t want to disappoint my family. And I didn’t want to answer the same questions over and over, either. Are you dating anyone? Is it serious? Do you think you’ll get married soon? ”
    “But—”
    “I know, I know. What does it matter what other people think? Well, it matters to me. It always has and it probably always will. And the fact that you don’t understand that doesn’t make it any less true. I know that’s anathema to you and I know you despise me because of it, but that doesn’t change who I am.”
    Her lips trembled, and she pressed them firmly together. Then she turned her head and stared out the window.
    “I don’t despise you, Jess.”
    She swiveled her head to look him in the eyes. “That’s not what you said in high school.”
    “You mean ten years ago? I hope I’ve changed a little since then.”
    She looked at him seriously. “But you haven’t.” She hurried on. “I don’t mean that as a criticism. I just mean you’re still doing what you think is right, no matter what anyone else thinks. You wanted to be a teacher when we were kids,