Beating Around the Bush by Art Buchwald Read Free Book Online

the Evil Power, the Saudis will have to sell us oil. The royal family has no choice.
    Doves: Bush is just using the war to win the election in November.
    Hawks: He is commander-in-chief. He doesn’t have to stoop to political tricks to start a war.
    Doves: What about television? CNN will cover it and America will witness their sons live and in color fighting in Iraqi foxholes.
    Hawks: They assured us they would never show any casualties during a battle.
    Doves: What about our Air Force?
    Hawks: They will carpet-bomb Iraq from one end to the other, as they did in Afghanistan. And they will continue until Saddam cries “Uncle.”
    Doves: I thought you were going to kill him?
    Hawks: He could be in a cave where no one can find him.
    Doves: If we invade, it is going to cost billions and billions of dollars—and at least 250,000 troops, and the National Guard and occupying force that will have to remain there for 20 years.
    Hawks: That is why we are hated all over the world.
    Doves: Suppose Saddam agrees to UN inspections. Do we still invade?
    Hawks: That’s up to the president. He still thinks his father should have done the dirty work during Desert Storm.
    Doves: Why doesn’t he say so?
    Hawks: He can’t because he plays golf with his father.
    Doves: Do you think the president will pay any attention to this debate?

    Hawks: He has to if he has any chance of winning back the Senate.
    Doves: I pray Saddam sees reason.
    Hawks: I hope so. Because otherwise we are going to have to gas him before he gasses us.
    Doves: Does the White House feel Hawkish?
    Hawks: They do except for a mole who is leaking all our Iraqi plans to the New York Times .

Will the Real Saddam Stand Up?
    IT IS NOT AS EASY to knock off Saddam Hussein as the people in Washington may want you to think.
    I met Oliver Baxter III, who works for the CIA, at the bus stop outside Langley. “What’s going on inside?” I inquired.
    He replied, “Are you cleared for top security?”
    “I wouldn’t be standing waiting for a bus if I wasn’t,” I said. “What’s going on?”
    “Well, we have just discovered that there is more than one Saddam Hussein. He has lots of doubles. We are still not sure which is the real one, because everyone in Hussein’s government looks alike. At least we’ve narrowed it down.”
    “What do you know so far?” I asked.
    “Well, one of the Saddams has a mistress named Samira Shahbandar, and Saddam sleeps in a different place every night.”
    “Because of security?”
    “No, because he doesn’t want Mrs. Hussein to find out about her.”

    “What is Mrs. Hussein like?” I asked.
    “She is high-maintenance. She has dyed-blond hair, wears Western clothes, and she is terribly jealous. Saddam is her first cousin. She is known in Iraq as Sajida Khayrallah. We now know they have had a stormy marriage for 32 years.”
    He continued, “One of the Saddams is a big spender. Sajida doesn’t know it, but every time he buys a piece of jewelry for his wife, he also buys one for his mistress.”
    “Why don’t you think he’s the real one?”
    “Because if he was, Sajida would kill him.”
    “What about the Saddam who is always on TV shooting off his rifle into the air?”
    “Have you noticed he never shoots down a pigeon?”
    “That could be a smoking gun,” I said. “What about the Saddam we see pictured at a cabinet meeting?”
    “Have you noticed the cabinet treats him with no respect?”
    “The real Saddam could be the one that shows up at anti-American demonstrations and burns the American flag,” I suggested.
    “It would be very dangerous for the real one to show up because we might take a potshot at him.”
    “The plot thickens,” I said.
    “The one we are taking a careful look at is the ‘Saddam in the Bunker’ theory. We know Hussein was a big fan of Hitler’s, and Saddam knows he could end up the way Adolf did.”
    “Including hanging out with his mistress?” I asked.
    “Possibly. We know Mrs. Hussein. She