Beware of God by Shalom Auslander Read Free Book Online

temple.
A karate chop to the throat.
An uppercut to the nose.
    The ancient Egyptians said that all Jews were lepers. Two thousand years later, so did Voltaire. A hundred years later, so did Karl Marx.
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    Rabbi Brier said that when the Jews were fleeing Egypt, the dogs didn’t bark at them and that’s why dogs are rewarded with heaven.
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    The Nazis trained their dogs to bite the Jews.
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    Hitler’s dog was named Blondie.
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    Voltaire was a founder of something called the Enlightenment.
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    Nazi dogs don’t go to heaven.
    You have surpassed all nations in impertinent fables, in bad conduct, and in barbarism. You deserve to be punished, for this is your destiny.—Voltaire
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    Karl Marx’s father was Jewish.
    Groucho Marx was Jewish. His real name was Julius Henry Marx. Chico’s name was Leonard.
    The Nazis did not discern between observant and nonobservant Jews. Anyone with three Jewish grandparents was considered a Jew.
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    â€œAnd you,” says Rabbi Brier, “you think you can just take off your yarmulke.”
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    Kevin calls my yarmulke a beanie. I am a Beanie Boy.
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    If Kevin becomes a Nazi, the first place he’ll tell the SS to look for me and Deena is in his attic. But we’ll be in Florida.
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    Anne Frank was murdered in Bergen-Belsen after someone reported the family to the Nazis, so really—don’t tell anyone where you are going.
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    They’re not really showers.
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    They’ll probably make New York City into a ghetto, like the Warsaw Ghetto. If you live in a big city where there are Jews and one day there’s a Holocaust, you should leave right away.
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    These are the other cities I think they’ll make into ghettos: Los Angeles, Philadelphia, Chicago, Boston and San Francisco.
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    London, too, if they take over England.
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    America in German is ‘Amerika.’
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    The rabbis showed us a movie called Ambulance . Some Jewish kids and their schoolteacher are forced into the back of an ambulance. The doctors lock them in, attach a hose from the exhaust pipe of the truck to the back door of the ambulance and drive away.
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    The world record for holding your breath is eight minutes and six seconds. Some people said Houdini could hold his breath for twelve minutes.
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    If you take a glass bottle, fill it with gasoline, shove a rag into the bottle and light it, you can throw it and it explodes like a bomb.
    Before the Romans burned Rabbi Chananya at the stake, they wrapped his body in a Torah scroll and placed tufts of water-soaked cotton around his heart to delay his death and prolong his suffering.
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    Houdini’s cousin was married to Moe from The Three Stooges . Moe’s real name was Moses Horowitz. He was Jewish.
    So were Larry and Curly.
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    The Mishnah says that it was our forefather Isaac who asked God to bring suffering to the world, since suffering is a great thing. God replied that it is indeed a wonderful idea and so He made Isaac blind.
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    Who would want to kill the Stooges?
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    Sometimes the Nazis set their dogs loose on the Jews who weren’t dead yet.
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    To stop a dog from attacking you, shove a finger up its butt.
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    Ninjas called that the Hidden Leaf Technique.
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    I heard that Billy Idol is a Nazi.
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    David Bowie, too.
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    Houdini’s father was fired from his congregation for being too religious.
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    Cuba turned away a boat full of 1,000 Jewish refugees. So did the United States. And Turkey. Switzerland sent back 30,000.
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    In 1492 the Jews were expelled from Spain. The Moors turned them away, too.
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    At the end of the war, Hitler killed himself.
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    When the Americans liberated Dachau, the bodies in the ovens were still burning.
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    A lot of the American soldiers who freed the camps were black.
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    If you are black and Nazis take over, they’ll make you get sterilized. That means you can’t have