Big Trouble by Dave Barry Read Free Book Online

the blot again. He said, “Bitch.”
    â€œWhat they didn’t explain,” said Henry, “is what do the male mosquitoes eat?”
    â€œWhat, are you worried about them?”
    â€œNo, I’m not worried about them. I’m just . . .”
    â€œYou want I should go get a fucking pizza for them, set it out here in the jungle so they don’t starve? ”
    â€œI’m just saying, what do they eat? If they don’t suck blood? Is all I’m saying.”
    â€œMaybe they suck each other,” said Leonard.
    Henry had to smile at that, which only encouraged Leonard.
    â€œOh, Bruth!” Leonard said in a lisping mosquito whisper. “ You have a BIG thtinger!”
    Henry was quietly quaking with laughter now; his rifle barrel vibrated in the gloom.

    INSIDE the family room, Arthur Herk was methodically, relentlessly changing channels. He was doing this partly because the instinct to change channels is embedded deep in the male genetic code, and partly because he knew his wife and stepdaughter hated it.
    For a few minutes, Anna and Jenny stared at the flashing jumble of images, expressionless, not wanting to give Herk any satisfaction. Finally, Jenny sighed and stood. Addressing Anna, she said, “I’m gonna go to my room, where it’s not so, I don’t know . . . stupid. Good night, Mom.”
    Herk kept changing channels.
    Anna said, “I think I’ll let Roger in and go to bed, too.”
    Herk stopped changing channels and looked at her. She recognized the look. She hoped he’d pass out in the family room tonight. She hoped he would not make it to the bedroom. She rose from the sofa.
    Outside, Henry whispered, “They’re leaving.”

    â€œTHEY’RE leaving,” whispered Matt. He and Andrew, having received a warm but brief welcome from Roger, had moved to an observation point next to a large potted plant at the edge of the patio, about thirty feet from Henry and Leonard.
    â€œWhadda we do?” asked Andrew.
    â€œI think she’s gonna let the dog in,” said Matt. “When she opens the door, we run up, and I shoot her, and you witness it.”
    â€œI’m gonna witness it from here,” said Andrew, “in case her father shoots us.”
    â€œWith what? ” said Matt. “The remote control? You gotta come with me so Jenny sees that you witnessed it.”
    â€œHe has a gun somewhere, ” Andrew said. “This is Miami.”
    Matt could not argue with that. Sounding braver than he felt, he whispered, “Come on,” and started across the patio toward the sliding-glass door. Andrew followed, reluctantly, a few feet behind.
    Henry and Leonard did not see the boys immediately; they were both intently watching Anna Herk as she moved toward the door from the other side.
    â€œFine-looking woman,” Leonard observed.
    â€œShut up,” Henry observed. He raised his rifle and trained the sight on Arthur Herk, thinking about how he was going to do this. If Herk stayed in the room, sitting in front of the TV, it would be easy. But Henry had to be ready in case Herk got up and followed the women out. Henry didn’t want to shoot with the women still in the room, but he would if he had to.
    Anna Herk reached the patio door, unlatched it, slid it open, and called, “Roger, c’mon, boy.” At this point, a number of things happened in extremely quick succession:
    â€”Roger, calculating with his nine functioning brain cells that the chances were better of getting food inside the house with the humans than outside with the Enemy Toad, left his surveillance post and shot, a low-flying, furry missile, through the door opening into the family room.
    â€”Right behind him came Matt, rushing toward the opening, holding his realistic SquirtMaster Model 9000. He had planned to yell, “HEY, JENNY!” but he was very nervous, so it came out more like, “HENNY!”
    â€”Anna, seeing