Board Stiff (Xanth) by Piers Anthony Read Free Book Online Page B

been doing that for decades, Kandy thought.
    “More than usual,” the Good Magician said grumpily. “That lost book made me late for this interview. I simply have to move on without it, aggravating as it is.”
    “Well, give me what you have,” Ease said, hardly grasping the problem. But Kandy did. It could be infuriating to lose something right when you needed it.
    “Yes,” Humfrey agreed, speaking to both Ease and Kandy with different meanings. “There is a virus extant that destroys puns, Stuck-Net. It may have been developed in one of the more conservative regions of Mundania by anonymous parties and covertly released. It has to be stopped. Your Quest is to find and release the antivirus so that the puns can be saved. I regret I am unable to provide specific directions to the location of the antivirus, but my general information establishes that you will find it eventually.”
    “Why? Who cares about puns? Nobody likes them. I’d be glad to see them all wiped out.”
    “Because Xanth is largely made of puns. Without them it would be a hollow, dreary place, like Mundania.”
    “Well, find somebody else to stop them. I’m not interested.”
    “You speak as if you think you have a choice.”
    “Well I do have a--”
    STIFLE. YOU’RE STUCK IN THIS NET.
    Ease did not understand his second thought, but there it was, cutting off his argument. “. . . duty to complete my Quest,” he concluded lamely.
    “Exactly.” Humfrey closed his tired old eyes momentarily. “I can remember only one more thing, with the context gone. That is to Merge the Hair. That is what you must do when the time comes.”
    “What time?”
    “You will have to be the judge of that.”
    “But I have no idea what this is about!”
    “Perhaps in the course of your necessary travels you will develop an idea. The welfare of Xanth depends on it.”
    Ease opened his mouth.
    STIFLE Kandy repeated.
    The Good Magician’s eyes returned to his book, dismissing him.
    Downstairs MareAnn was waiting. “Ease, allow me to introduce a prospective Companion.”
    “I don’t want a Companion,” Ease said shortly.
    “You will need her as a bodyguard.”
    “A woman as a bodyguard? Are you daft?”
    MareAnn brought the person forward. “Her name is Astrid.”
    “I told you--” Then he got a good look. Astrid was absolutely lovely in the Sequins of Events dress. Her ratty hair had been brushed out into a flowing brown mane that curled down around her shoulders and bosom all the way to her nicely rounded posterior. Her face was a marvel of maiden symmetry, and her large dark glasses lent an aspect of alluring mystery. Her legs were marvelously sculptured down to her petitely slippered feet. She was a sight to take away any man’s breath.
    BREATHE! Kandy thought impatiently.
    Ease gasped, restoring his breathing. “Uh, hello Astrid.”
    “It’s so nice of you to have me along,” Astrid said. “I really appreciate it.”
    “That’s all right,” Ease said. His objection to having a Companion had mysteriously faded out.
    “But I need to warn you that her dress is special,” MareAnn continued.
    “I see that.” His eyes were straining to take in the whole of it, especially where it moved with her breathing.
    “The sequins must stay on. If one falls off, you must replace it immediately, or the dress will suffer a wardrobe malfunction. She can’t see well enough through her glasses to do it herself.”
    “Replace immediately,” he agreed, his lips trying to restrain the drool as he gazed at the small ripple where a current of air tugged the hem near her lovely knees.
    Kandy fought to bridle her jealously. She couldn’t afford it. It wasn’t Astrid’s fault that they had given her a drop dead beautiful body. Maybe that was because of her lethal nature.
    “And you must leave her alone, apart from necessary cooperation. She is not for romance.”
    “Romance,” he echoed raptly.
    “I’m so glad you understand,” MareAnn