Helen behind her. They each hold a bunch of bittersweet.
âWhere did you get it?â I ask, accepting the swatch of orange berries.
âThey had it left over from decorating the church,â Anna explains.
âAnd I brought some for Mama,â Helen says.
âGood for you.â
âI wanted to give it to you, but Anna wouldnât let me. She said Mama ought to have some.â
âSheâs right. You run along and give it to her.â
Helen goes. I turn back to the chicken, the green beans. Anna makes no move to put her coat up.
âHow was church?â
âFine. Miss Snavely asked about you.â
âWhat did you tell her?â
âI said you were pining to go back to school.â
âReally?â
I donât know whether Iâm more amazed that Anna knew this or mad that she said it.
âAnd what did Miss Snavely say?â
âSaid that was a lot of foolishness, that you were getting the best education a girl could have.â
I donât answer that.
âShe said you were lucky, learning all you are now.â
âWell, sheâs wrong,â I snap. âYou are the lucky ones, and donât you forget it. You and Helen and the boys.â
âGoing to school? Whatâs lucky about that? Iâd rather stay home like you and play with Willie.â
âYou donât know what youâre talking about, Anna.â
Suddenly Mama comes in.
âAnna, you hang your coat up. And help Helen.â
When theyâre gone, she says, âThatâs no way to talk to your sister.â
âBut itâs the truth.â
âAccording to Amanda Perritt. That doesnât mean gospel.â
Thereâs almost a laugh in her voice. I let out a deep breath. I donât talk back. But I mash the potatoes with a vengeance.
Soon we are all seated at the table. I take my old place at the side to make room for Mama. Daddy blesses us and sends around the food. The gravy I made isnât as good as Mamaâs, but it covers. I eat it all off the crown of my potatoes and ask for more. Mama looks at me and the boys and then at Daddy, measuring.
âI think not, Mandy,â she says. âYou donât want to get plump like me.â
Thatâs not what she means and she knows it. My ribs stick out. She means, leave it for your brothers, your daddy. Never mind if you want some more. And I made it!
Davidâs hand edges toward the gravy boat.
All of a sudden I feel fire like Willieâs gowns blazing. Itâs all around me. If I stay in my seat, if Davidâs hand touches the china, Iâll be caught in a roar of flames. So I grab the gilt-edged handle, stand up, and hurl the gravy boat at the wall.
It sails over Davidâs head and smashes and the fire I felt is a fierce joy. Let them stare! Let the china splinter in the rug and the gravy run down the wall.
10
Everyone at the table seems to hold his breath while I go to the kitchen for a rag and a bowl. Gradually, as I wipe gravy from the wallpaper and pick china fragments from the rug, they resume talking, but nobody says a word about whatâs happened. Anna and Helen must be biting their tongues. When I finish, I come back to my place and dig meat off the back of the chicken. I did take the back. Mama will have to give me credit for that.
All the time Iâm clearing the table and washing up Iâm waiting for her anger. Thereâs nothing. When Willie wakes, she disappears into the bedroom. Even Anna and Helen steer clear, and the boys have gone to hunt squirrel in the bare trees. I feel invisible. Is that what happens when you let your feelings out? No one can see you?
Well, if that is the way of things, I can take it. I just wish Iâd thrown something which didnât break. Or didnât match. We donât have many dishes that do.
The kitchen is done and the house is still as midnight. I take Mr. Adenâs book and sit down to