Break Free & Be Broken by Eros Winter Read Free Book Online Page A

it was SHE!- who said we were soul mates. It was SHE!- who promised that with Her, my heart would always be safe. She assured me that She could handle all the broken parts of me...
    She was wrong.
    I'll never forget the torment of watching Her come to terms with the reality that I couldn't be helped; that somewhere along the line, I had been exhausted beyond repair. It broke Her heart.
    It destroyed mine.
    I was distraught that my weakness was bringing Her pain. I couldn't hurt Her... not Her, not my precious love! So what could I do? There was no chance that I could leave-I loved Her infinitely too much!- but She had to get away. I was a stone destined to sink, and since I couldn't allow myself to take Her with me, I did the only thing I could think of. I started breaking myself against the walls of our love that I now saw as a cage.
    That sweet, silly girl. She fought tooth and nail for me. The more I yanked and pulled against my self-imposed chains, the more She tried to soothe me. And me? I just kept pulling, creating more and more distance between us, leaving Her alone to sort out what the hell was happening. The hurt, confused look that became permanently etched in Her eyes still burns me. The more I hurt Her, the more it hurt me, and the more I hurt, the more hurt I had to give. I knew I could outlast Her. I was used to suffering: it was a part of me. She had no idea how to navigate such deep trenches of pain, and finally, in a fit of sorrow, desperation, and tears, She escaped.
    For some fucked up reason, I was shocked. I don't think I ever really expected Her to go, and I was annihilated entirely when She did. My weakness demanded I try to get Her back. She didn't come. The emptiness I was left with was worse than anything else I had ever felt. With nothing else to fill it, I filled it with hate: hate for Her. I had no other choice. Hating Her was the only thing that kept me hunched upright against the massive weight of missing Her.
    To this day, I hate Her. I hate Her for stealing my best friend from me. I hate Her for opening my eyes to love and filling me with false hope. I hate Her for all the misplaced kindness She ever showed me. But most of all...
    I hate Her because I love Her, and I know I always will.
    I slap my cheeks with both hands, hard enough to rattle teeth, snapping myself out of this ludicrous display of self-pity. What am I doing? Who's to say a reason for my downfall even exists? I just don't feel good. No one ever said there had to be a reason why. Perhaps this world just wasn't meant for me. Perhaps my dreams are just too big for it to fill... or maybe I just never had the strength to reach them. Who fucking cares? The only relevant information is that I fear the decay of the future, I don't care for the present, and the joys of the past are already gone. Fuck that. Fuck this. I'm done.
    I should just smoke some heroine and figure out how I wanna suicide myself...
    Ding ding ding ding ding! Security lights flash on in my head, revealing this whole outburst for what it is. I don't really want to die! I'm being absurd! This whole thing is a giant ploy from the addict part of me to get me to abandon my day and just sit around and smoke! Aha! I knew I couldn't really be that far gone. Heroine, you sneaky vixen! You almost had me! Certainly I can get on with my day and work out. I was all worked up over nothing! Haha! Ha.. ha...
    10 minutes pass, and I find myself laying on the couch, traced up foil in my hand, sinking blissfully into oblivion. Oh yeah. Now this is what I'm talking about.
    Somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm dissatisfied, but fuck it, heh, too late to stop me now. Riding the slippery ride of compulsive recklessness, I decide to exceed my one hit limit. I pull off another scrap of tar from the whole and place it on the foil. My movements are slow and fluid, as if the air around me has taken on the properties of sludge. Tube goes in my mouth, lighter falls beneath the tin, and I draw