Bullet Through Your Face (improved format) by Edward Lee Read Free Book Online Page B

really blame
the girl?
In truth, no. He could only blame himself. I got myself into this
nightmare. It’s all my fault. Nobody’d put a gun to his head the night
he picked Kari Ann up. He’d done it on his own accord, for lust, for
sex. Because she was available to use.
God, he thought now. Yes, God. Of all things, his thoughts
turned again to his Creator. Why shouldn’t God be infuriated with
him? This was his punishment, the tables turned. Blood and sperm
seeping out of his ass, he thought about his life now in an entirely
different way. Gray had willingly turned his back on the way life was
supposed to be, hadn’t he? He hadn’t really loved his first two wives,
he’d married them for their looks. And his other relationships? Same
thing. All the wrong reasons. People were supposed to be together
for a reason.
To be a part of each other’s life , to love each other and have kids
and raise them to the best of your ability. That’s what life’s all about,
not going to strip joints and picking up hookers. Gray saw it now:
if there really was a God, Gray’s entire existence was an offense.
He’d chosen irresponsibility over commitment. He’d chosen crude
pleasure over morality.
There was a price to pay for that, and right now Gray was paying it.
He clasped his hands together, futilely. He hadn’t forgotten about the
final strand of possibility. Kari Ann. Maybe she wouldn’t
abandon him. Maybe—by the grace of God—she’d find a way to
get him out of here.
    Please, God, he prayed. I know I’ve been a lousy person and
have offended Your laws, but please, PLEASE forgive me. I’m a
hypocritical chump, I KNOW that, but I promise if You can find some
way to forgive me, I’ll make good. I’ll change my life, I swear. Let
Kari Ann get me out of here and I SWEAR TO YOU, I’ll marry her
and be the father of her child, and I’ll do EVERYTHING IN MY
POWER to live a Christian life. I swear . . .
    Gray sat against the wall, fallow in the muddy
flavescent light.
When he closed his eyes, he saw skiagraphic shapes that all seemed
to eventually meld into ax-forms. When he drifted off to sleep, he
dreamed of being raped by devils. If he died during the dream, what
would happen? Would he just stay there with the devils forever? If
so, he knew he’d deserve it.
    “Hey.” A nudge. “You asleep?”
Did he smell hot pumpkin in the dream?
“Tam fer dinner . . .”
When Gray opened his eyes, Kari Ann was kneeling next to him with the next bucket of pumpkin.
“Oh,
Kari Ann . . .” Gray fell apart, hugging her. “I can’t take this any
more. You’ve got to help get me out of here. I swear, I’ll make you my
wife. Everything I do will be for you, and I’ll be a father for your
baby. I’ll never lie to you or cheat on you, I’ll devote my entire life to you.” And it all came pouring out. Gray clung to her, crying. “I
promise, I promise–I even promised God. We’ll live life the way it’s
supposed to be lived, and we’ll go to church and stuff like that. And
as for your baby . . .” Shit, he remembered. The kid’s fucked up, got birth defects and a warped head . . . It didn’t matter. It didn’t matter to God, so why should it matter to
Gray? He took her hand, squeezed it, still sobbing into her lap. “I
make great money, Kari Ann. I’ll send your baby to the best special
schools, I’ll get her the best possible care. I’ll be the father she never had.”
    Kari Ann had tears in her eyes too. She stroked Gray’s cheek,
unmindful of the nearly full bucket of diarrhea, unfazed by his body
odor. “I know you’d do all those things, I kin see it in ya.”
    “Then help me! All you’ve got to do is call the police!”
“Cain’t. Ain’t got no phone.”
Gray began to tremble.
“But here’s what I can do,” she began. She kissed him on the forehead. “I been thinkin’‘bout it, an’it’s real risky . . . but I’m gonna
do it . . .”
    Gray didn’t sleep the rest of the night. He was too excited,